Punch Lines
It’s the Cliff Notes Edition: O.J. Simpson told ESPN he now spends a lot of time reading the Bible. “Or as he calls it, ‘The Nine Commandments.’ ” (Jay Leno)
Sour Notes: In a recent interview, the Spice Girls said their boyfriends have to take a back seat to their music. “They said, ‘We don’t let our personal lives interfere with our mediocrity.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)
Stalag 13: Variety says reruns of “Hogan’s Heroes,” a 1960s sitcom about a Nazi POW camp, are a huge hit in Germany. “Next thing you know, they’ll be enjoying ‘Third Reich From the Sun.’ ” (Argus Hamilton)
Summer Homes: The Justice Department says one of every 155 U.S. residents was locked behind bars by mid-1997. “So it’s true. Bill Clinton really does have a Cabinet that looks like America.” (Hamilton)
Keeping Up With the Jones: Hillary Clinton dismissed Paula Jones’ sexual harassment charges against the president as the work of political foes. She said certain enemies have always dogged her husband. “Doctors have a name for these enemies: hormones.” (Hamilton)
Unabombshell: A psychiatrist in Sacramento submitted her report on the sanity of Ted Kaczynski, who recently tried to hang himself with his underwear. “As it turns out, those voices Kaczynski keeps hearing in his head are the Fruit of the Loom guys.” (Jerry Perisho)
More Unabomb: “It’s reassuring to know that a disheveled, bearded weirdo can attack people for 18 years, live the life of a crazed hermit, never make his bed or sweep the floor, and still be considered okey-dokey.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)
Hulk Van Gogh: Mike Tyson now wants to wrestle in the World Wrestling Federation. “In his mind, a tag team in the ring means one thing: a buffet.” (Alan Ray)
He’s Not Marcus Welby: Beverly Hills doctor David Yedidsion has been accused of charging Medicare $1 million for house calls to dead people. “But he says it was easier than making them come in for an office visit.” (Valerie Hansen)
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