Fashion Forward

Only a fool would not judge by appearances. --Oscar Wilde

But, Dennis Rodman, you knew that already. First outrageous simply for your tattoos and very public fling with Madonna, sir, you have truly dared to be as bad as etc.

No nail color too metallic, no lipstick too pastel, no hair painted too too. Dennis, baby, it’s time to stand at the foul line and admit you are ready for a make-over.

Sweetie, baby, boyfriend--the Bulls are a dysfunctional family just waiting to collapse. The coach, the star (as in MJ), the supporting cast all threaten to split up after this compelling tournament. It’s no secret you may be traded.

Take a tip from us girls: There’s no better time to change your looks than after such wholesale rejection. Repeat after us, “I am somebody and I don’t need green nail polish to prove it.”

May we suggest three very different looks that would look oh-so-perfect on a bod such as yours?

Day Wear: Nothing shouts classic taste like a pink Chanel day suit. Wear it while book-signing on State Street or just lunching with the girls at Marshall Field’s. Accessories: pearls (8 millimeters, of course), black-and-bone pumps, Chanel bag and Chanel brimmed hat that gracefully hides your inability to commit to a hair color.

Formal Wear: Michael and Magic don’t have to corner the market on good taste, you know. We insist on a proper morning suit, black morning coat, gray waistcoat, pinstripe gray pants and gray cravat. The top hat must be carried, never worn. And don’t forget white gloves and walking stick. Protocol calls for plain black oxfords, polished to perfection, but darling, you can afford to be ultratraditional and wear spats.

Casual Wear: Dennis, one word--Dockers. Please don’t retch. Dockers, yellow Polo shirt and boat shoes. Baby, you’re ready for a weekend in the ‘burbs or, dare we say, a season with the Indiana Pacers.