Transracial Adoption: Joy and Pain

About 3,700 Chinese children, a small part of the estimated 1 million children in China waiting in orphanages, were adopted into American families in 1997. The children are almost all girls, abandoned by parents because of China’s one-child policy. These transracial adoptions are not without problems. JANE SPILLER spoke with a mother who adopted her daughter from China and a psychologist about the highlights and pitfalls.

LEE CALLANDER

Co-chair of the Los Angeles chapter of Families With Children From China

We went to China in 1997 and got our daughter, Angela, when she was about a year old. She was listed as being 14 months, but judging by behavior and number of teeth and motor skills, we think she was younger. She couldn’t even crawl. We put her on the floor and she would sort of flop over like a turtle. Part of this is from being crib-bound and not getting a lot of exercise or attention. We think she was abandoned at birth.

Since we’ve had her, there’s been a rapid growth and development spurt. Once the adopted children start eating real baby food and being allowed to crawl and roam and climb on furniture, those little muscles and brains catch up to whatever they should have been very quickly.

I’ve heard of only a couple of families who were kind of tentative; they didn’t fall head over heels madly in love with their new child right away, but this happens with birth children too. This is a parenting issue, not necessarily an adoption issue. My son had serious medical problems at birth and was in intensive care for a couple of weeks. It was very iffy if he was going to make it. That affected me deeply and my ability to bond with him.

Why a Chinese child? The Chinese adoption program is efficient and very straightforward and relatively inexpensive at about $20,000. I think Russian adoption is closer to $35,000. I lived in China for two months on business in 1982 and fell in love with everything about the country, so it was my love of China that led me back there.

Having my daughter’s physical appearance be different from my own and my husband’s and her brother’s will be an issue, but with our support group, she will see many other families with little girls who don’t look like their mommies and daddies.

I did hear a story from one of our members that breaks my heart. I’m afraid of this. The little girl is 4, and happily went to the courthouse for a ceremony to be readopted in this country and become an American citizen. There were little flags and a family party. After coming home she went tearing into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and burst into tears. Her mom asked what was wrong and the child said “I thought I was going to become an American today,”’ meaning “I thought I was going to start looking like you.”

We try to celebrate Chinese culture and hope to learn the Chinese language. I bring the kids to Chinatown to be around Chinese as much as possible and we’ve gotten to know some of the shopkeepers. They know who we are because we kind of stick out, and chatting over the counter they will say, “Oh lucky girl.” I say, “No, lucky mommy.” We’re all lucky.