Sprewell Story an Analogy for World Gone Mad

The back cover of the April edition of Mad magazine is a parody of the Heimlich maneuver poster that appears in restaurants with instructions on what to do if someone begins choking on food.

Are you ready for the “Latrell Sprewell maneuver”? The poster includes a drawing of the Golden State Warrior player with his hands around Coach P.J. Carlesimo’s throat.

“When the coach approaches, place right thumb firmly against his windpipe,” is one of the instructions. “Squeeze viciously. Continue until separated by team personnel.”

A note under the “instructions” advises, “The NBA Players Assn. will file a grievance on your behalf and support you even if you murder the guy.”

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Trivia time: Under John Wooden, UCLA was unbeaten in conference competition eight times. Who was the only other Bruin coach to have a perfect conference season?

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Only eight? A jury acquitted Boston Red Sox slugger Mo Vaughn on charges of drunken driving, rejecting testimony by police that Vaughn flunked eight sobriety tests.

One wag said the case boiled down to: “If the man can hit, you must acquit.”

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Add Vaughn: On one sobriety test, he was asked to count to 30, but he only got to 5. When asked to recite the alphabet, he got as far as “P.”

Said Steve Rosenbloom of the Chicago Tribune: “Heck, that kind of performance might not pass a sobriety test, but it probably is good enough for a football scholarship at a major college.”

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Fitting tribute: San Francisco Giant broadcaster Jon Miller on the late Harry Caray: “[He] was Babe Ruth at the microphone. He was a prodigious talent with a prodigious appetite for life.”

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Golden future: The Washington Post reported that Tara Lipinski’s price for an eight-minute evening skating show before the Olympic Games could have reached $5,000.

Since she upset Michelle Kwan to win the gold, Lipinski’s price is closer to $10,000.

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Crash course: Comedian Dennis Miller on how to enliven Olympic bobsled racing: “One word--intersections.”

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FYI: William Bell, a retired doctor, established an age-group world record when he cleared 10 feet, 1/4 inch in the pole vault. Bell is 75.

He’s the father of Earl Bell, who briefly held the outdoor world record of 18-7 1/4 in 1976 and tied for the bronze medal in the 1984 Olympic Games.

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Trivia answer: Gary Cunningham in 1977-78, 14-0.

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And finally: The Trail Blazers and Boston Celtics were tied with five seconds remaining last Sunday when Portland’s Rasheed Wallace deliberately fouled Antoine Walker.

Walker made one of two free throws, the Trail Blazers missed a shot at the buzzer and the Celtics won.

Portland Coach Mike Dunleavy tried to cover for Wallace. “The kid didn’t know the score. It was an honest mistake.”

Wallace disagreed. “I knew the score was tied. I wanted to put him on the line and maybe he’d miss both of them,” he reasoned.