‘On the Pill’ Has a Whole New Meaning

If someone were to ask me what was the greatest invention of the 20th century, I would reply without hesitation: the impotency drug Viagra, which has just come on the market.

For the first time in human history, man no longer has to fear striking out when he is expected to hit a home run.

It goes without saying that I don’t need Viagra (FBI testimonials supplied by sending a self-addressed envelope), but my friend Barney’s life immediately changed for the better when Pfizer put it on the market.

The first thing Barney did was ask his doctor if there was any downside to the medicine.

His doctor said, “You can have a heart attack.”

Barney said, “I’ll take it.”

The introduction of Viagra to the public presents very serious social problems. The question is, if you cure men of impotence, will that mean there will be more sexual harassment in the workplace? Will the pill give men who have no lease on life a new beginning and the promise of a rainbow in the sky?

I’m not discussing the help that married people will get from it. My fear is that the pill will fall into the hands of single men and terrorists who would use it to satisfy their own selfish, politically incorrect agendas.

There was a time when men asked women if they were on the pill. Now, women must ask men the same question, and if they both say yes, the obvious next question is: “Your place or mine?”

Pfizer should put warnings on its Viagra label: “This pill may only be used by consensual people. Use without permission of both parties could lead to high blood pressure and astronomical legal fees. The pill is not a cure for the common cold, but should give you the same feeling of well-being produced by Prozac or Polident.”

I happen to be a supporter of Viagra, and like so many other people, I regret to this day I did not buy stock in Pfizer.

Obviously, it’s a drug whose time has come--or, at least, the time has come to take this drug.

It’s now up to the American people to decide what to do with the weapon--just as they had to decide what to do with the atomic bomb. The only evidence I have that it works is from Barney. Ever since he took Viagra, he has had a big smile on his face.