The Stay-at-Home Mother of All Online Chat Rooms

LeeAnne Clark has laughed with her friends through good times and cried with them through bad times.

That’s what friends do.

It’s the most old-fashioned of groups, stay-at-home moms who sew a quilt for each new baby, who comfort and support those who fall ill.

But they meet in the most modern of places: the Internet.

The Irvine mother and her group of 22 friends “met” in 1993 on an America Online bulletin board. They occasionally made contact in an AOL chat room but in the last year or so have taken to visiting through e-mail and occasional online visits.

The suburbs can be an isolating place, especially for a mother home with young children. But these women have found a sort of kitchen-table meeting of the minds. Clark calls the group a ‘90s version of a coffee klatsch.

“These days, there just aren’t as many stay-at-home mothers,” she said. “Most of our friends are working and we sometimes feel cut off. But this is a way to communicate with other moms who are in similar situations.”

Three of the mommy-club members are in Orange County, including Irvine and Mission Viejo. Many are in other states, and one, until recently, was in London.

“As friends, we’ve shared tragedies and joys,” Clark said. “There was one mom who lost her daughter in a drowning accident. We’ve had some who have had to cope with divorces or serious illnesses. We have quite a support network. And we also get to celebrate wonderful things with each other.”

Like the news that another baby is on the way.

“When someone from the group announces they are pregnant or adopting, we start a baby quilt. Each of us adds a panel or two and mails it to the next member of the group. When it’s finished, we send it to the expectant mother.”

The mothers have managed for the most part to hold onto and deepen their bond despite major disparities in age--from early 20s to late 40s--religion, and background. They’ve even had spats over politics.

“Oh, we’ve had a few online arguments,” Clark said. “Just like any other friendship. One of the biggest arguments I recall is one about breast-feeding. Some moms were all for it, while others weren’t. A couple of the moms got very argumentative and one woman felt personally attacked. She dropped out of our group, and I was sad because she was very well-liked by all of us.”

The group, which calls itself Renegade Moms, came about after some of the women from the group began e-mailing each other.

“The chat room and bulletin board got overwhelming because new members kept coming in,” Clark said.

“So we began e-mailing each other, and getting together in a separate chat room we created. The rules are that there are no rules. Any topic goes.”

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The big discussion last week centered on good news, just in time for Mother’s Day.

“A woman in our group has one child but has been trying for years to have a second baby,” Clark said. “Finally, after about four years of trying, she got pregnant. The e-mails have been flying. We were all so thrilled for her that many of us were sitting at our computers crying tears of joy. She had come home from the doctor that day and immediately got on the computer to tell us the news. We knew before her husband did.”

Clark, 38, who has two children ages 6 and 7, said it’s sometimes easier to stay in touch and connect with friends online because they can make contact while staying in the house.

“Any time you walk by the computer, there it is,” she said. “If you e-mail a friend, they usually e-mail back within a couple of hours. In the beginning, our husbands thought we were crazy and our in-laws didn’t understand why we would want to talk to strangers.

“But these friends understand things about me that others might not. A friendship is a friendship but there is a deeper level of intimacy among all of us. It starts out anonymous; just screen names. So it was easier to reveal things about ourselves. By the time some of us did meet face to face, there already was a very strong bond.”

That bond is what kept Dianne Silver, 32, going when she had to pack up her home in Rancho Santa Margarita about a year ago and move with her husband, Mitch, and their three young children, now ages 7, 5 and 2, to London when his employer transferred him.

“Right after we got to London and got unpacked, I was able to sign on to the computer and immediately connect with my good friends,” she said. “It really helped me make the transition. And then, when we recently moved back to Rancho Santa Margarita it was the same way. We didn’t have to get reacquainted because they had been with me every step of the way.”

It’s the diversity of the group that appeals most to Silver.

“One of my online friends lives in inner-city Philadelphia, and another lives in rural Connecticut,” she said. “Sometimes I think about the fact that we are all so different and yet, so much alike. We like, and respect, each other.”

As for finding the time to go on-line, Silver and Clark said it’s not that hard. They spend about an hour total most days, sometimes up to two hours.

“Oh, it’s five minutes here, five minutes there, between chores,” Clark said. “Or, I find time after my family have all gone to bed. But since I’ve met these friends, my husband said he has seen an improvement in my abilities as a mother.

“I have so much more confidence now. I found out that all of these moms were doing, and experiencing, the same things that I am as a mother.”

Clark said the bond the women have will last forever.

“We’re soul mates,” she said. “We are all moms, and we all agree on one thing: our kids come first. We’re shared so much together. I really can’t even imagine my life without them.”