Up at Viagra Falls, Look but Don’t Leap
I have a Viagra problem.
Er, let me rephrase that.
I have concerns about the impact the new wonder drug may have on the culture. I don’t have a personal problem that might require the use of Viagra.
Not that there would be anything wrong with having a personal problem that might require Viagra. I mean, an estimated 30 million to 40 million American men suffer from impotency at some point during their lives.
It’s just that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of this group. Well, all right, there was that time in college when I was, shall we say, let down by Mr. Beer, but . . .
Maybe we should move on.
Viagra was originally intended to be an angina medication. While it didn’t do much for chest pains, it did become quite popular among control-group members for its unexpected, I guess you would call it, boing.
Since Viagra hit the market last month, doctors have been getting writer’s cramp filling out prescriptions. Men flocking to the drug fall into three main groups:
* Those with medical or psychological conditions resulting in impotency.
* Those hoping to elevate their sexual performance.
* Those who have had their dance card canceled by Father Time.
To the men with the problems, I say: Terrific. Great. Welcome back.
To the lizards looking for additional oomph, I say: Give it a rest.
To the old guys with the delusions of glandeur, I say: Look before you libido.
I offer this caution because I am concerned the country is not prepared to deal with the rapidly swelling ranks of Generation V. We are, so to speak, playing with loaded guns here.
Consider a few of the ramifications:
The spouse: Has anyone asked the women of Generation V how they feel about dusting off the old baby dolls? Has anyone even thought about legislation that would make it illegal to dispense Viagra unless the doctor’s prescription is accompanied by a permission slip from the wife?
The children: It is difficult enough for a kid to picture his parents, you know, doing, you know (I’m sorry, but I have to fast forward through this image). So imagine the plight of great-grandchildren forced to deal with the specter of gramps and nana, you know . . .
The products: Prune Juice Shooters.
Victorian’s Secret.
Bikini Depends.
The commercial slogan: Be all that you used to be.
The emergency beeper: “Help, my Viagra just kicked in and I can’t get up.”
The movies: “Debbie Does Shady Glenn.”
“Do It Again, Sam.”
“The Old Man and the See Through”
“Boogie Naps.”
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Shea is a columnist at the Hartford Courant. To reach him write to Jim Shea, Hartford Courant, 285 Broad St., Hartford, CT 06115.