Maybe It’s Time to Rid Your Heart, Mind of Clutter

I know two sisters who haven’t spoken to each other for five years. The reason? Their late mother left a diamond ring to one daughter and not the other.

I know a man who no longer speaks to his best friend of 25 years because the friend didn’t show up at the opening of his art gallery.

It takes a lot of energy to nurse a grudge for years on end. It’s hard to keep that line drawn in the sand long after the reason for your anger has faded. Yet many people can’t manage to get rid of the old grievances that clutter up their minds and hearts.

The lives of the two sisters have grown more complicated since they broke up over the ring. Because they refuse to be together, family gatherings have to be carefully orchestrated. Weddings and funerals require elaborate negotiations. Their children are not allowed to speak to or visit each other. The psychic energy required to maintain the hard feelings takes its toll on their sense of well-being and happiness. How could it not?

The art gallery owner is depressed about the loss of his best buddy, and he suspects the feeling is mutual. But neither one seems able to make the first move.

If you want to lighten the load in your life, give up a grudge that is weighing you down. You can begin today. Sit down and make a list of anyone you’re harboring feelings of anger or resentment against. What would it take to let go of those feelings? Could you heal the breach with a phone call?

You could write a detailed letter outlining all your grievances, pouring your heart out on paper, then throw it away. Or you could ask a family member or a friend to serve as an arbitrator. Spend half an hour right now imagining what it would be like to be free of the ill will.

You may not be able to forgive and move on without help. Anger about something minor--like a ring--usually masks deeper issues. If that’s the case, make a commitment to lighten your emotional load by getting counseling, either on your own or, if possible, together.

I have two friends who went into counseling to settle their differences and save their friendship. After a couple of sessions, they realized that, as fond as they were of each other, they had such varying approaches to life that they would never be able to have the kind of friendship they’d been struggling to have. But gaining that insight made it possible for them to forgive each other and to go their separate ways without their former hard feelings.

Resolving your differences or reaching a reconciliation may take some effort, but not nearly the effort it takes to carry a grudge.

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Elaine St. James is the author of “Simplify Your Life” and “Simplify Your Life With Kids.” For questions or comments, write to her in care of Universal Press Syndicate, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111.