Punch Lines

Color Clash: Martha Stewart has filed a countersuit against the landscaper who’s suing her for running him over. “He suffered minor injuries, but Stewart is suing because his blood splats clashed with her forest green Mercedes.” (Premiere Radio)

Key Chain Reaction: The Feds are warning airports about a new 3-inch-long key-chain pistol that can elude security. “What’s great is, in case you lose it, you can leave the spare pistol under the mat.” (Premiere Radio)

Going Postal: “Unabomber Ted Kaczynski, very upset over his life sentence, plans to complain strenuously with a mail-in campaign.” (Jack Ellis)

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia: A judge rejected the use of executive privilege by President Clinton’s top aides. “You know what this means? They have to take a lie detector test given by Marcia Clark on Fox TV or face persecution by Rupert Murdoch.” (Bob Stone)

Splish, Splash: Eye doctors are concerned that Viagra causes some men to see a blue-green haze, like ocean water. “In heavier doses, they see reruns of ‘Titanic.’ ” (Stan Kaplan)

Hello, Gorgeous: People magazine has announced it’s “50 Most Beautiful People” list. “Here are some good things about making the list: free coffee with fill-up at Shell stations; folks no longer confuse you with Carrot Top; and you get to gossip cruelly about who was No. 51.” (Premiere Radio)

Hello, Dalai: The Dalai Lama is meeting with some of New York’s top doctors to discuss how Eastern healing methods could revolutionize mainstream medicine. “He also took the opportunity to have the doctors refill his Rogaine and Viagra prescriptions.” (Premiere Radio)

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LAUGH TRACK

Craig Kilborn on the new Reagan building: “It’s nice, Mommy. When do we move in?”

Jay Leno on Hillary Rodham Clinton: “In a speech about America’s historic sites, the first lady said we can’t remember events in America that happened 150 years ago. Us? The Clintons can’t remember events that happened in Arkansas 10 years ago.”

Conan O’Brien on the first family: “Chelsea’s boyfriend is a junior at Stanford. When the president found out, he said, ‘That’s a coincidence: I’m dating a junior, too.’ ”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.