Punch Lines

Monstrous Marketing: “Seen the ‘Godzilla’ ads? ‘His head is bigger than this sign. His tail is longer than this building. His foot is bigger than this bus.’ I hope the people who make Viagra don’t hire this ad agency.” (Jay Leno)

Automatic: Officials in New York are testing an electronic device that automatically calls 911 if a car is in an accident. “After dialing 911, it immediately calls a personal-injury attorney.” (Johnny Robish)

Dogmatic: If the presidential election were held today, Republican Gov. George W. Bush of Texas would beat Democratic Vice President Al Gore, polls show. “That doesn’t really matter much because in another poll Gore also was beaten by the Taco Bell Chihuahua.” (Premiere Radio)

What a Heel: According to a new study at Harvard Medical School, wearing high-heeled shoes can cause permanent knee damage. “Which is why you never see Dennis Rodman wearing them during a game.” (Steve Voldseth)

Zip the Lip: Monica Lewinsky’s lawyer has hired a media specialist. “The first thing they said to Monica was ‘Keep your mouth shut!’ ” (Bill Williams)

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So Long, “Seinfeld”:

* Here’s the final episode in a nutshell: Elaine gets breast implants and marries Tommy Lee in a touching prison wedding. George and Newman fall in love and adopt a Korean baby who, years later, George marries. Cosmo Kramer moves to Hollywood and becomes a professional house guest, changing his name to “Kato Kramer.” Jerry turns to philanthropy and starts a halfway house for socks without partners. (Bill Williams)

* Looters who grabbed memorabilia from the “Seinfeld” set have been caught. “They were philosophical. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” (The Daily Scoop)

* Jerry Seinfeld’s former girlfriend says she broke up with Jerry because all he ever did was talk about his show. “Said Seinfeld: ‘That’s not true. Sometimes I’d say, “Let’s talk about you. So, what do you think of my show?” ’ “ (Premiere Radio)

* The stars of “Seinfeld” are fielding various new job offers. “Campbell Soup wants to dump the twins and offer the Soup Nazi a lucrative contract as their new spokesman.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Clinton supporters claim Kenneth Starr has been copying ‘Seinfeld.’ He’s also had a long run about nothing. (Stan Kaplan)

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.