Jerks at Work: A Survival Guide
Anyone who’s worked a day in his life has had to deal with a jerk at work, whether it’s a colleague who snickers during a co-worker’s presentation, an intimidating boss or a loose-cannon subordinate who turns company meetings into high drama.
These are the people you wish would call in sick, the fellow employees who make you dread picking up the phone and the bosses you duck when you see them coming down the hall.
“Ten percent of the people in your work life give you 90% of the trouble,” says Santa Monica-based business relationships expert Mark Goulston. “The key to dealing with difficult people is knowing who they are ahead of time.”
Once you figure out a troublemaker’s game, Goulston says, you can take steps to defuse or deal with his behavior before it exhausts your time and patience. Workplace experts say the most common mistake victims make is publicly ignoring a pattern of offensive behavior while their frustrations simmer below the surface. Such passive-aggressive behavior can take a toll on their work performance and mental health. It also gives jerks the signal that their behavior is acceptable.
Instead, if you have a repeated problem with someone at work, study the situation and then plot out a plan to deal with it, says Dr. Brian Usher of human resources consulting firm Saville & Holdsworth. Start by jotting down observations in a journal, taking note of what caused the difficulty, what occurred and how you handled it. “Look at the chain of events,” Usher says. “Was it a facial expression, the tone of his voice, the actual meaning of what he said, or was it just your inference?” Then look at the way you responded.
Usher says most people react to bad behavior the same way every time, whether it’s by withdrawing, giving in or getting hostile. Are these actions allowing the bad behavior to continue? Observe how other people in your office successfully deal with such behavior and consider how you might do the same. If that doesn’t work, Usher says, then confront the person calmly, making sure the conversation is focused on her behavior and not her personally.
For example, “When you do this, I can’t get part of my project completed on time.” Keeping the talk tied to the interests of the company, Goulston says, makes it harder for a colleague to take offense, and it gives her room to change her mind about how to act.
Laura, a marketing manager for a geographic information systems company, has been dealing with abuse from one of her co-workers, a systems analyst. The colleague snickers while Laura is making presentations. She makes comments about Laura’s personal life and her work ability to clients, and at one time even stirred up conflict between her and a company receptionist.
“She’s so self-centered,” Laura complains. “She’s only concerned with making herself look good.”
Goulston says Laura has two choices: She can deal with the colleague’s manager, stressing how the woman’s behavior is undermining the company’s credibility and its efficiency. Or she can give the woman a taste of her own medicine, embarrassing her in a public way and then confronting her later about how it felt.
“Tell her, ‘I just made you feel the way you make me feel. Now you see what it’s like. So stop it,”’ Goulston said.
Indeed, analysts say, don’t be afraid to call people on their bad behavior. Many jerks are relying on you to keep quiet. Some even use their sour dispositions to keep colleagues away, thereby ensuring their job security.
Other experts, such as Edna Herrman, a Los Angeles-based psychologist, recommend taking a few minutes to listen to a jerk objectively and understand where he is coming from. People take a lot of psychological baggage to work, she says. Most of the time, their hostile or aloof behavior has nothing to do with you personally, and it can be short-circuited simply by dealing with their frustrations or concerns.
A prime example is Herrman’s story of an executive secretary who was caught in a power struggle between her two managers. One of the bosses, an extremely driven type, yelled at her and accused her of doing more work for another manager, who made a point of being friendlier. The secretary acknowledged that she did do more work for the boss who treated her better, unknowingly fueling tension with the other boss.
Herrman encouraged her to sit down with the difficult boss and try to understand his motives. “She had interpreted the [unfriendly] boss’ treament as a personal dismissal,” Herrman said. “He explained himself as being besieged in that company. Everyone was a threat to him.”
With this knowledge, the secretary drafted a memo to both bosses, encouraging a three-way meeting to help “facilitate the workload.” At the meeting, she made it clear that she didn’t play favorites and did not want to be part of the power struggle. She got the bosses to pitch in on drafting guidelines for her work priorities. While the meeting did not solve all of the woman’s problems with the two managers, it did defuse the situation, Herrman says, and establish a method for dealing with such problems in the future. The three now meet monthly to review the secretary’s workload.
A similar approach can be used to turn the tables on someone who is criticizing your performance. Let him coach you, Usher says. The next time he calls you inept after a presentation, privately tell him, “You are the expert; could you help model this presentation for me?”
Often, Usher says, people are reluctant to confront a critic, because they are afraid of the bad things he will say about their performance. It’s usually less damaging than you think, Usher says.
Krystin, an office manager of a demolition company, has been reluctant to deal with one of her unruly subordinates. The executive assistant constantly complains about her to others, circumvents her and throws emotional tantrums when she doesn’t get her way.
“She’s unmanageable. She called me a bitch at a meeting. I’d love to fire her, but she’s good at her job, smart and can catch on quickly to new things.”
Krystin’s situation reached a climax in recent weeks, when the assistant applied to Krystin’s boss for another job in the company, without telling her. The boss pulled Krystin aside and mentioned it, embarrassing Krystin in the process.
“What does that say about my management skills?” Krystin says.
Goulston says that before Krystin rushes in to confront the woman about it, she must first make sure she is not part of the problem.
“Does [the assistant] have a legitimate claim she is just making in an obnoxious way?” he asks.
He says Krystin should ask the assistant specifically what she is upset about and what she thinks should be done about it.
And remember, analysts say, that conflicts are natural. You won’t get along with everyone, and you shouldn’t strive for complete happiness in the workplace.
“The key is just not getting overwhelmed,” Usher says.
