Make Mine a Doubles

Because most tennis clubs are heavy with members who have lost a step and gained a pound over the years, doubles is generally the game of choice. But with the wrong partner, it’s more a game of chance.

Picking the right partner, however, is not as easy as spinning a racquet and picking a side. Players need to find someone who thinks, acts, responds and hates losing as much as they do. Granted, a big serve, consistent returns and solid volleys can’t be underestimated, but more important qualities determine the successful team.

Having similar tastes in music for one. Music is a great motivator, and if it takes Social Distortion to fire up your game, trapped in a car listening to the latest J.S. Bach will be sorely disappointing. Car trips to out-of-county tournaments will be longer than a lobbing duel with four 3.0 players. I’ve found U2’s “Joshua Tree” album is must listening.

Should you consider a lefty? By all means. Everybody should have one. They’re trainable and relatively affordable. Buy a southpaw a jug of red Gatorade and you’re a friend for life. And best of all, having a lefty means never having to serve into the sun. (The trade-off, though, is this also cuts down on excuses.)

Court coverage is big. Players who move well are always preferred over the planted performers, who favor lying in wait for a ball. These players are funny, however, because they take great pride in the number of balls they don’t miss. Given the number of balls they play, this figure will remain low.

If fast feet aren’t an option, long arms are a close second. Players with wing spans that cover a couple of zip codes are excellent candidates. Not only do they minimize the number of lobs you’ll have to shag, they also cut down considerably your portion of the net. This means fewer errors for you.

And finding someone who shares your love of the net can’t be emphasized enough . . . and will prevent real, real quiet changeovers. One former partner told me he likes to take three or four strokes from the baseline before closing the net. Unfortunately, as I recall, hitting three or four good shots a week would have been a superb achievement for him.

Quick hands are also desirable. There’s nothing more frustrating than rehydrating after a tough match and watching your partner grope and fumble when the tab comes. This partner will also have a short memory when it comes to reimbursing half the tournament fees. And hotel bills.

Emotional stability, though not as critical as musical taste, is another good indicator. This can be addressed with two words: Jeff Tarango.

Trust is vital. A good teammate won’t rifle a serve into the back of your head as a reminder of your last short lob. Or call the IRS and tell them you didn’t really play in the CHOC or Adoption Guild benefits last year, despite what your 1040 indicates.

If you’re the competitive sort, don’t hook up with players stuck in the ‘60s. That might not be just incense wafting over the courts.

Though dating habits aren’t a major concern, it’s something to address. Married players show up consistently and generally on time. Single players are often distracted, willing to pull a no-show at the bat of an eyelash.

When looking for a mixed-doubles partner, old boyfriends or girlfriends are always bad choices. This can’t be stressed enough. And stress is the key word. This is just asking for a Penn to the proboscis.

First of all, their current significant other is not going to be real understanding on overnight tournaments. And any practice matches or workouts that run late will pretty much require a note from the head pro. Exes also feel it’s their job to rekindle some of your biggest bonehead moves. On and off the court. Try to avoid self-inflicted distractions.

Often, the exes’ current flames will show up to watch. Now you have two reasons to find another partner.

Perhaps the safest course is to establish a partner pool and draw from it equally--giving everyone the same amount of playing time. But if you break that rule, you will have established a favorite. And that is very, very counterproductive.

Teaming up with a current flame, though it seems like a great idea at the time, will only hasten the demise of your game and your relationship. If your significant other insists, simply tape your mouth in the smile position and take a vow of silence.

On the other hand, if you can’t bring yourself to break up with someone, strike up a partnership. You’ll be single again before the next double-fault falls.

A good sense of humor also comes in handy. When you’re playing with someone who finds your chunking five easy volleys funny, you’ve got a keeper. Such an attitude also pays dividends when you’re having such a bad day you couldn’t hit water if you fell off the Titanic.

Unlike in business, a silent partner is deadly in tennis. Communication is big.

Let’s say your teammate is providing the beverages; you need to know what kind so you can select the correct cheese and dips.

One good thing, however, is they rarely make bad line calls. Come to think of it, they rarely make any calls, which is another beef.

Should nothing above pan out, a couple of trusty standbys remain: a) Play down a level or b) Hire a pro to sandbag with you. Both are time-honored solutions and beat resorting to the P word: Practice.

Happy hunting and have a good match.

Glenn Doggrell is a club player whose current left-handed partner is on hiatus with a hernia and bad back. The writer denies it’s his fault.

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Partners to Avoid at All Costs

* Anyone who calls lines as they need them.

* People who last opened a can of balls when Jimmy Connors was No. 1.

* Anyone who offers an excuse for every bad shot, none of which were caused by an opponent’s good shot.

* A Chatty Cathy who spends most of the changeovers drawing out family histories from the team you just met.

* Men whose shorts look like Laker togs from the 1960s.

* Women whose top, skirt, headband and Fancy Pants all match.

* Anybody with an even tan.