Coping With Loss: Advice for Seniors and Their Children

The loss of a friend or loved one is always traumatic. As their friends die, both old and young are faced with their own mortality. There are a few things to consider to help seniors and their families develop a healthier approach to coping with such loss.

* Communication: The key to communication is openness. It’s important to create opportunities for discussion, and the death or illness of a close friend is a prime example. Ask open-ended questions, and don’t discourage seniors from talking by saying things like “Oh, you don’t want to talk about that.” Also, don’t discount what they say. Telling them, “Don’t feel that way,” will only make them withdraw and not want to share their feelings. Perhaps most importantly, when seniors feel like talking it’s important to be an active listener. This helps them feel you care about what they say, that they are still important and that they still play a respected role in the family.

* Advance Directives: One way to foster communication is by discussing and completing an advance directive. Under California law, an advance directive lets people designate someone to make health care decisions for them if they become unable to do so. It also specifies the type of medical care desired so that the designated decision-maker can act in accordance with the person’s wishes.

Completing an advance directive encourages family discussion and opens the door for seniors to talk about changes going on in their lives. It also gives seniors a sense of empowerment, since advance directives enable them to have influence over their own future. Advance directives are also invaluable to family members as they provide an informed and guilt-free basis for making what are often very difficult life decisions.

* Psychological Reactions: People tend to experience a standard psychological reaction when coping with loss. It begins with denial, moves into anger and hostility, and then into depression. Afterward, it is common for people to appeal to a higher source before they can truly accept what has happened. Understanding this pattern helps those grieving know what to expect, and know that their behaviors and emotions are normal. It also helps their friends and family relate to what they’re going through and find appropriate ways to provide support and reassurance.

* Coping Mechanisms: Coping mechanisms require strength of will at a time when people feel their weakest. But by summoning mental and physical strength, people can influence their own recovery. Things to focus on are: strengthening self-control and self-determination; focusing on life’s joys and pleasant memories; seeking social support from family and friends; and finding solace in prayer, religion or other activities that bring comfort. Maintaining as many activities as possible boosts the elders’ sense of independence and brings a higher quality of life to the individual.

* Religious Involvement: Participating in religious services can bring a sense of belonging and provide social interaction. The elderly often find themselves getting more involved in spiritual activity as it helps them make sense of the loss of their friends. It’s important for caregivers to encourage religious participation. One way they can do this is by giving aging parents a ride to their place of worship each week.

* Advice for Caregivers: Education can provide adult children of seniors with tools to help their parents cope with loss. Caregivers should learn what community resources are available to assist their parents. It’s also important for all members of the family to get involved, so that the burden doesn’t rest with one person and the parent is reassured that the entire family is supportive. In addition, caregivers need to reach out for their own support systems to help them deal with their role as a caregiver. There are many support groups in the community that can address their specific needs and concerns.

* This story was written by Hoag hospital’s Donald B. Oliver, pastoral care director; Dr. Paul Selecky, chairman of the Healthcare Ethics Committee; Dr. Patrick Sheehy, oncologist / hematologist; and Theresa Thomsen, social services manager.

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Resources

Many local senior centers offer activities, camaraderie and a special place to discuss senior concerns and issues. Churches and other places of worship often offer support or counseling services. The agencies listed below are among many community resources for assistance with grief and bereavement.

In Los Angeles County:

* Jewish Family Service of Los Angeles, grief counseling and support groups, (213) 852-7720.

* Center for Healthy Aging, for seniors on the Westside, support groups, (310) 829-4715.

* Bereavement Outreach Program in Culver City, free counseling for community members, (310) 390-4711.

* Grief Recovery Helpline offers phone counseling, but staff is limited, (800) 445-4808.

* Century Counseling Center, which serves West L.A., Beverly Hills and Santa Monica, counseling on loss and grief, (310) 859-8941.

* Community Guidance / Crisis Center in North Hollywood, bereavement counseling, (818) 762-4817.

In Orange County:

* Hoag hospital’s Pastoral Care Department offers three free bereavement groups, (714) 760-2358.

* The Area Agency on Aging is a resource referral service, (714) 567-7555.

* Orange Caregiver Resource Center, (714) 680-0122.

* Going Through Loss bereavement group in Huntington Beach, (714) 962-3333.

* Journey of Grief bereavement group in Anaheim, (714) 778-6116.