A Revised Commencement Exercise in Absurdity

Every year I have to change my graduation speech, depending on conditions in the country.

Graduates,

The class of 1998 may be the luckiest one that ever graduated. Unemployment is down, the stock market is up, sunglasses are cheap, and all you have to fear is fear itself, or Alan Greenspan raising the interest rates.

For the first time in history, the college student is truly in demand. No matter what you studied in school, the headhunters want you, if for no other reason than you are a warm body.

Hang tough, my dear graduates, when the job recruiters make a house call. Tell them that you wish to start at the same salary they pay Michael Jordan, plus whatever Nike will pay you to wear their sneakers. You will be respected for wanting to begin at the top, and, besides, what choice do the recruiters have when it is so empty in the executive suite?

Once you take a job that appeals to you, buy a Porsche or a Mercedes, so you make a statement to your family, who never thought you would make it in the real world. If you can’t afford a brand-new car, ask your parents to buy you one. After all, they paid $40,000 a year to put you through school, there is no reason they can’t fork over another $40,000 as a graduation present.

Now, I know what’s on all your minds. What should you do about Monica Lewinsky? The answer is, don’t do anything about Monica until Ken Starr decides whether he is going to give her a job.

As for the president, you must not judge him on his private life, as long as gasoline is $1 a gallon.

You are the first generation who has access to Viagra. Like all drugs, it is good unless you take too much in a 24-hour period. An overdose could give you an acid stomach or an Excedrin headache.

As you go out into the world, think of the little people--Bill Gates, for example, who is being beaten up by the Justice Department. According to Mr. Gates, your lives hang by a thread if he can’t install his Internet browser on your computer. Trust him--he would never lie to you.

I know everyone in this class may not become president of Walt Disney or Victoria’s Secret, but if you follow the Yellow Brick Road you will find the happiness and success you so richly deserve--provided you buckle up your safety belt, floss your teeth and make sure to cook your hamburgers at more than 150 degrees.