Business Hurting Your Marriage? Call a Meeting

When a spouse turns unsupportive, it’s often the breaking point for business owners already cracking under pressure.

Perhaps nothing pains married folks more than being yelled at or ridiculed by their spouse. They feel misunderstood, underappreciated, disdained and lonely. It’s especially difficult to bear if their self-esteem is fragile and they are sleep-deprived and anxious about their business. When they most need a friend and a cheerleader, their spouse can feel like the enemy.

I hear from dozens of self-employed professionals such as Terri, a freelance writer who discovered one of the secrets of handling angry outbursts that can break down an entrepreneurial couple’s marriage.

Terri’s husband, Mark, is not involved in the day-to-day running of her company. But he became her unsolicited board of directors in the fledgling days of her business when he was frustrated by her slow progress.

“My husband used to work in a horrible job around toxic fumes all day,” Terri said. “My business was his ticket out, so each day he would ask, ‘How much did you make?’

“It was horrible. I had just started freelancing, and I was struggling for jobs,” she said. “Mark’s questions cut me to the very core, especially when he would get angry and say, ‘Well, maybe you’re not cut out for this.’

“Finally, I got mad. Really mad. I was tired of hearing how Mark made thousands of dollars more than I did. After a lot of screaming and yelling, we came to terms with what was really going on. Mark admitted that he was scared. He saw himself in a terrible job until he died of cancer from all the chemicals he worked around. I was scared too--I had no support, and I had no idea how to make my business more successful.

“Since then, we started having weekly business meetings,” she said. “These meetings keep Mark informed of my progress and help him feel better. It’s also been good for me to get his perspective.”

Terri had been relating to Mark like a parent or supervisor to whom she reported, and Mark had been treating her like an incompetent employee. When she understood her husband’s motivation for wanting her business to succeed, she was able to embrace his involvement.

Mark needed a structured method to give his input and a way to feel as if he had some control over Terri’s success. He became more of a business partner and learned how to motivate Terri as an advisor and friend.

Behind most of the angry outbursts expressed by entrepreneurial couples is fear. Anger often arises from a feeling of being out of control, which the entrepreneur and spouse will experience often.

Terri and Mark were able to acknowledge the fear lurking behind their anger when they calmed down and had a candid conversation. Only then did compassion for the other’s pain replace judgment.

As they discovered, scheduled business meetings can help bring calm and objectivity into the process and reduce the tendency for a couple to lash out about business during the week.

If you are self-employed and coping with a spouse who is unnerving you with accusations, step back and see the frightened child masquerading as a hostile adult. Tell your spouse that you would love support and assistance but that you can’t hear what he has to say when he speaks to you in an unloving way.

Ask your spouse what he is scared about. That question will catch him off-guard--he is expecting you to defend yourself. Break the cycle.

If you are the spouse of a self-employed professional who is struggling to make the business work and you are concerned about cash flow, remember that the best way to accelerate your spouse’s progress is to help him build his self-confidence. Your spouse is as scared as you are, but he can’t show it. He needs your help, but will only ask for it when it is safe to do so.

The entrepreneurial journey is fraught with tensions, especially when the business and the entrepreneur’s self-confidence are fragile.

Be gentle with each other and remember: Rarely is any entrepreneurial success worth the destruction of your marriage.

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Azriela Jaffe is the author of “Let’s Go Into Business Together: Eight Secrets to Positive Business Partnering” (Avon Books, September 1998) and “Honey, I Want to Start My Own Business: A Planning Guide for Couples” (Harper Business, June 1996). She can be reached by e-mail at jaffe@lancnews.infi.net, or visit her Web site at https://www.isquare.com/crlink.htm.