They’re Just Too Gormless to Have Any Perspective

Natural disaster hit England on Saturday, sending an overwrought country into moody self- examination and a very deep malaise.

That’s what happens when a proud nation takes a soccer beating at the hands of Bulgaria in qualifying for the 2000 European Championships. It wasn’t a beating in the true sense, but a 0-0 tie certainly seems to qualify across the pond.

Taking the brunt of the criticism was England Coach Glenn Hoddle.

The Sunday Times weighed in: “Hoddle crisis--England coach on brink after dire draw.”

The News of the World: “England were a disgrace. They were clueless, hopeless and gormless.”

Ah, gormless. That, according to Webster’s, means lacking intelligence.

Columnist Lynn Truss of the Times hinted at darker motives, writing: “What if it’s all a cunning plot? . . . What if the whole squad got together after the World Cup and decided that a succession of dire performances was the only way to rid themselves of the man [Hoddle] who makes them listen to Kenny G?”

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Trivia time: Who was the favorite in this year’s Kentucky Derby?

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Fogged in: Hockey fans went to a game in Caen, France, and a fog broke out.

Action in the game featuring Caen-Chamonix was suspended after three minutes because of fog in the indoor arena. Apparently an air-conditioning unit malfunctioned and ended up pumping in fog from outside the arena.

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Hero, hero: The November issue of Esquire asked several well-known Americans, including skateboard champion Tony Hawk, to tell who their hero is.

Hawk, who has won 12 world championships, picked the great-great- grandfather of extreme sports, Evel Knievel.

“I remember seeing the jumps and the crashes,” Hawk told Esquire. “He either made it or just went down in flames. Either way, people loved it. I did--absolutely.”

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King-size explosion: Some day, not long after the 1999 football season concludes, the Seattle Kingdome will be no more, joining a host of blown-to-pieces, obsolete stadiums and arenas.

Laura Vecsey of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer suggested several things to put in the Kingdome on demolition day:

“Planet Hollywood, because if we wanted Southern California, we would have moved to L.A.

“NikeTown, just because.”

“The Duck. Have you seen this oversized amphibious tourist trap now hogging up roadways through Pioneer Square, Fremont, and other points of Emerald City interest? . . . The Duck is like the ‘It’s a Small World’ ride at Disneyland on hallucinogens.”

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Trivia answer: Indian Charlie. The Derby was his first loss and last race.

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And finally: From Wayne Ferreira of South Africa, who is ranked No. 30 in the world and has defeated No. 1 Pete Sampras four consecutive times: “Maybe I should play him every week.”