Explaining the Unexplainable to Kids

It’s one of those conversations you never imagined you’d be having, a topic outside the ken of parenting magazines: How to explain to your children the mass slayings in Littleton, Colo.; how to allay their fears, to make it all better somehow, because that is what parents are supposed to do, right?

Not always. At least not instantly. Although some parents may have elected to turn off the TV as the tragedy unfolded (in fact KTLA-TV in Los Angeles declined to break into children’s programming for the story), American children as young as 4 and 5 are by now aware that something very bad happened at a school Tuesday. And attempting to deny the facts, or even diminish them, is the worst thing a parent can do, experts say.

“You can’t sugarcoat it. You can’t say it won’t happen here,” says Robert Butterworth, a Los Angeles psychologist who focuses on child trauma. “You can tell them the odds--that most schools are safe places--and for very small kids, that may be the answer. But I don’t think that’s the solution for kids middle school age and up. We need to get them talking. They know more about what’s happening with other kids than we do.”

Butterworth says he had a talk Tuesday evening with his own 13-year-old son. “I told him a lot of kids are unpredictable and that if he hears anyone who sounds dangerous, or who has made a threat, he should tell me. We as adults can’t do anything about what has already happened, but we can tell our children that we need their help to keep them safe.”

When initiating such a conversation, parents would do well to leave their own fears, and needs, in the other room, says Elaine Mazlish, co-author of “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.”

“The first thing we parents want to do is tell them not to worry, that everything will be OK. We tell them not to be scared, and we think that’s comforting and it isn’t. Parents need to acknowledge their child’s feelings, whatever they are, to just be with them as they are expressing fear or anger or curiosity.” But, she says, “we don’t need to tell them how afraid we as parents are. Don’t lie, but don’t lay that weight on them, especially younger kids.”

Not every child will want to talk, says David Elkind, professor of child study at Tufts University and author of “The Hurried Child,” so parents can encourage them to communicate nonverbally as well. “Some kids may want to write about it, or draw something, or go punch a bag somewhere. They need to be encouraged to express themselves not just once, but many times.”

After acknowledging the initial emotional reaction to the tragedy, parents and children can discuss what they each can do to prevent such a thing from happening again.

Ask your child what could be done to make kids who feel like they’re outsiders more welcome, says Mazlish. “Make [your child] feel part of a solution.”

Which they are, in a very real way. As the success of peer counseling at schools across the country proves, kids are the first line of defense against the feelings of alienation that seem to have been a factor in the Littleton rampage.

“This is an opportunity to talk to your own children about what happens when you are not connected--to each other, to society,” says child expert and pediatrician William Sears. “We need to talk to our children about caring for one another, about why we don’t join bad groups or carry guns.”

Making certain that your children feel comfortable telling you what is really happening in their lives should be the goal of any conversation. “Kids need to be able to tell you if someone is picking on them, or making threats or has a weapon,” Butterworth says. “They need to take it seriously, and they need to know that you will as well.”

The Rev. Gary Hall of All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena agrees. “I think kids feel crazy if they have fears they can’t express. Kids are strong,” says the former high school principal. “They can cope as well as we can, maybe better, but they need adults to honor their reaction.”

And how would he answer the larger question, How could God let this happen? “I think God is brokenhearted. I don’t think God was in control of these events; I think God will be found in the healing.”