A Mercedes That Outruns the Adjectives
Mercedes-Benz has cast Ernest Hemingway, Laurence Olivier, Edgar Mitchell on the moon and Jackie Robinson at bat as silent stars of a television commercial that claims mute images work best when words seem hopelessly inadequate.
Wrong. A picture is worth 10,000 words only if it is a magnificent picture. Should words fail, or cannot begin to describe, stay out of the writing business. Certainly stay away from the literate, elegant, exuberant and fluent Mercedes-Benz 2000 S-Class, which could wring scriptures from a rock.
Here is perfection that will never perish; a thing of steel and rubber, wood and leather that at precious moments contains a thinking presence. It purrs and sings and howls to your mood. It is a finer side of life that adds respectability to affluence, even acceptability to personal indulgence. And when light fades from day, when worldly things quiet the music of our spheres, the S-Class will forever remain a muse.
Words adequate enough for you, Ernie?
It is also easy to see why the new S430 (with a 4.3-liter, 275-horsepower V-8) and the S500 (with a 5.0-liter, 302-horsepower V-8) contain sufficient power to stir poetry and quench cynicism. Forget, if we can, whopping prices of $69,700 for the S430 and $77,850 for the S500, even if they are $5,000 and $10,000 less than last year. Quell envy that makes us Saturn andPathfinder owners see Mercedes drivers as enemies of the state. Stop thinking of status implied, fragile egos, penis envy, class distinction and nouvelle richness, which have been underlying points to the three-pointed star for too long.
Here’s the bald truth: Study the daring technology of the 2000 S-Class, consider the value of its offerings, its quality, comforts and engineering, and you just might ask how such a car can be made for only $77,850.
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At that price, however, is it really twice as much car as a Cadillac Seville SLS, Acura RL, Volvo S80, Audi A8 or a Lincoln Town Car? Without question. Maybe even triple when measuring the S-Class for systems innovations, safety equipment and plain old driver and passenger conveniences.
Read it as a car of the future, on sale right now:
* While other builders are bragging about progressing to four front and side air bags--pity the unprotected schnooks in the rear when a Hummer comes through the backdoor--eight, count ‘em, air bags are standard equipment on the S-Class.
There’s the relatively conventional complement of four, plus a brace of rear side pillows and a pair of curtain bags covering both sides of the car. Hit a light pole head on, roll the car, and you and the family will be viewing survival from inside a giant marshmallow with heads and bones where they should be.
* A Global Positioning Satellite navigation system--a $2,000 option on lesser vehicles--is standard equipment on the S-Class. Punch an SOS button on the rearview mirror and your position, even model and color of the car, are transmitted to emergency central. There is immediate voice contact from a dispatcher who--depending on the crisis our souls are to be saved from--will send out a tow truck, vegetarian pizza, local gendarmes or the U.S. Cavalry. If voice contact is not established, if a heart attack on an empty interstate leaves one speechless, if an air bag is deployed and nobody says why, the dispatcher will roll every emergency service except animal control.
There are also two dashboard buttons for summoning nonemergency services, such as a Mercedes-Benz mechanic or someone who might know 5 Across, a seven-letter word for “devouring greedily.”
* Coming to a Mercedes dealership near you, sometime in September, will be an S-Class with the world’s first smart cruise control. Radar sensors keep an eye on the car in front, and if it slows, or another car cuts in, the system will back off on the throttle, even apply braking, and there goes your excuse for being thumper in a collision.
* The factory presumes that an S-Class will be used on journeys longer than the range of a biz jet, so Mercedes engineers have developed seating better than first class on Lufthansa. Headrests can be repositioned into pillows. Seats have 14-way adjustments to accommodate every lump and contour of our uncommon bodies.
An optional package includes 10 fans within seat cushions and backrests to cool Arizona afternoons when shirts and shorts stick to the Nappa leather upholstery. And air cells in the front seats deflate and inflate twice a minute to massage the long-distance aches from spine and back muscles. Mercedes Magic Fingers, as it were, with no quarters required.
* At the bottom of this goody bag is a crystal-clear, bravura Bose Beta II sound system that will have you wondering when the movie starts. Also heated and adjustable rear seats, automatic climate control with sensors in the seat belts to pinpoint and direct air to where occupants are sitting, and a voice-activated telephone and navigation system that heeds no yelling but responds to even, natural tones while sorting through 200 brogues, accents, dialects and lisps.
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The ultimate in safety: front air bags with two-stage deployment--a gentler puff for fender benders and a full-throated thump for grille grinders. Plus BabySmart, which senses a child in a front car seat and deactivates the air bag--but not the side air bag and curtain, where the risk of bending an infant is virtually nonexistent.
The ultimate in one-upmanship: ordinary old eucalyptus wood for trim within the S430, richer burl walnut on the more majestic S500. Plus light-emitting diodes in brake lights that pop on 15 milliseconds quicker than ordinary bulbs--giving the car behind another 16 feet of stopping space.
Increased use of aluminum, magnesium and high-strength steel has the S-Class weighing 500 pounds less than its direct ancestor, and that effectively erases the ponderous handling of the Mercedes’ flagship. It is an inch narrower, almost 2 inches lower and 3 inches shorter. There goes the wounded-elephant look and waddle, replaced by a shape that suggests a sports coupe rather than a snooty sedan.
Although that shape is marred by a retreat from the dignified, lightly squared front end of yore. Now there are large doe eyes for headlights and a heavily raked trapezoid grille. It adds nothing but a nasty leer to otherwise classy looks.
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It goes without saying that performance of the S-Class, either model and with a V-12 in the wings, is a slashing surge of smooth, quiet but insistent power. No matter which of its five gears are being used. No matter the surface, thanks to an intimidating combination of 14-inch, anti-lock disc brakes; automatic shock absorbers with four levels of stiffness; automatic and manual ride-level controls; and a traction and stability system that comes close to being an autopilot.
Clearly, this is no car for those who must budget the cost of an oil change. Bust a headlight and you’re looking at a replacement cost, parts and labor, of $2,000. And all trickery and high technology to one side, $70,000, give or take a few, is still the price of an Antelope Valley condo. So how moral is owning and driving and enjoying an S-Class?
“I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after, and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.”
So said Ernest Hemingway.
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2000 Mercedes-Benz S-Class
Cost
* Base, $69,700 for S430, $77,850 for S500. Includes eight air bags (“smart” bags up front), on-board navigator and emergency assistance program, full traction controls and anti-lock disc brakes, voice-activated phone and sound system, automatic climate control, 14-way power Bose Beta II sound with CD changer, five-speed automatic transmission with sequential Touch Shift, Nappa leather upholstery and wood accents.
Engine
* 4.3-liter V-8 developing 275 horsepower and 5.0-liter V-8 producing 302 horsepower.
Type
* Front-engine, rear-drive, premium luxury sedan.
Performance
* 0 to 60 mph, as tested, seven seconds for S430, six seconds for S500.
* Top speed, governed, for both models: 130 mph.
* Fuel consumption, 17 miles per gallon city, 24 mpg highway for S430, 16 and 23 mpg for S500.
Curb Weight
* 4,133 pounds.
The Good: A global leader in safety engineering, construction and technology. More air bags than the Goodyear blimp. Lighter, narrower, lower for quicker performance, less ponderous look. Priced way lower than last year. Nobody builds luxury, grace, quiet and convenience like Mercedes-Benz--except that other German car company, Rolls-Royce, but at twice the price.
The Bad: Not knowing what top speed would be with governing chip removed. Front end that sneers. High cost of repairing all that aerospace technology.
The Ugly: Grille that jars.
