How to Get a ‘Vulcan Mommy Grip’ on Those Disrespectful Toddlers

Dear Vicki: I suppose you could question my child-rearing credentials since I’m a single man with no kids of my own, but I have to ask: Is it acceptable these days for small children to hit their parents and other grown-ups? I go to the Farmers Market twice a week, and I often see hostile little preschoolers kicking or slapping their moms or baby-sitters. What’s up?

--ABOUT TO MAKE

CITIZEN’S ARREST

Dear Citizen: I don’t know if this info will make you feel better or worse, but my girlfriends and I can attest to the fact that the market isn’t the only place where this toddler terrorism occurs. If fact, I’ve seen the most heinous examples in a toy store--something about too much merchandise and not enough oxygen in the building.

In my day, a slap to a grown-up invariably resulted in a slap to the not-so-grown-up. Now, I don’t spank or slap my kids (although I tell them it’s still up for debate until they are all taller than I).

I do not, however, take so firm a stand against that maternal backup known as the “Vulcan Mommy Grip.” That is when an accosted mommy firmly places a hand on each of the child’s shoulders or upper arms and forces him to look her directly in the eyes. This come-to-attention posture adjustment is ideally followed by a resounding “No!” This procedure, consistently applied, should substantially cut down on parental abuse.

*

Dear Readers: The letter from “Divorced and Still Dependent” (July 18)--who was anguishing over whether to marry her lovable but underpaid schoolteacher boyfriend and lose her spousal support or just live with the boyfriend in hopes of keeping the income--clearly touched a nerve (somewhere near the hip pocket, as far as I can tell).

Here’s a sampling of some of the most “energetic” responses:

* Nice advice! Your response to the gold digger is further proof of how lame women are! Your answer should have been, if the woman is independent enough to find a new husband, then she should give up spousal support.

* Although remarriage will automatically terminate spousal support, just living with the guy could do the same thing under the “change of circumstances” guidelines of family law. Hopefully, the ex-husband of this woman is aware of this law so he can obtain some relief. . . . She is milking him!

* D&D;’s question was a moral one, not financial: to set the right example and marry, or just live with him so as to collect more money. Vicki, you philosophized and ragged on men but failed to answer the question. Whatever your position, you should have taken a stand. A true “girlfriend” would have done so.

*

OK, OK--I’ll take it on the chin for being part of a secret anti-ex-husband sect, but I must draw the line at having my “girlfriend” status questioned.

My job as girlfriend is to support you and your choices, especially when you’ve already made them and are living the consequences.

I felt that since “Divorced and Still Dependent” was fortunate enough to have an ex who not only met his child support obligations, but also paid spousal support, he might be willing to continue helping her back on her feet by continuing even after her marriage.

Since spousal support in some cases ends at some point whether the supported spouse remarries or not, it seemed fair to me that D&D; ask her ex and her hubby-to-be whether they were OK with her getting those last months of cash.

I realize, however, that I didn’t make some critical legal distinctions. First of all, in this state there are several basic issues to address in a divorce:

* Community property, assets acquired during the marriage which the court is required to divide equally.

* Child support, which is to provide an appropriate level of support from one or both parents to maintain the kids.

* Spousal support, which is a payment from the higher-earning spouse to the lesser. (This used to be called alimony.) Lots of considerations are taken into account, including the length of the marriage. Ten years is a big watermark here.

Ultimately, no matter what the courts had to say about D&D;’s relationships, my message was this: Speak openly and fairly with both guys and see what they can work out among themselves. No sneaking, no manipulating, no cheating.

Vicki Iovine is the harried author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and mother of four. Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.