The Difference Between Single and Married

I was so young, barely 4, when I was scarred by abuse. There was terrible conflict between my mother and my grandmother.

That’s why I feel so strongly about Hillary Rodham Clinton’s interview in the very first edition of Talk magazine, in which she says that husband Bill Clinton “was so young, barely 4, when he was scarred by abuse. There was terrible conflict between his mother and his grandmother.”

Yes! Same with me!

That must be why I was messing around with women all those years. Of course, I was single. (Otherwise, it was exactly like President Clinton!)

I was 4 when terrible conflict broke out between my mother and grandmother. My mother wanted to serve chicken for dinner. My grandmother wanted spaghetti.

I immediately ran away from home.

I went to a playground and began hanging around the monkey bars and teeter-totter with 4-year-old girls. Which was OK, my being 4.

My mother and grandmother came and got me around 15 minutes later, but I was scarred for life! It was at that moment I became a future playboy.

What a relief this is to finally understand what was responsible for President Clinton’s adultery. His mother and grandmother didn’t get along when he was 4.

That was one of the last times he was ever seen with older women.

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A psychologist once told me that for a boy, being in the middle of a conflict between two women is the worst possible situation.

That’s why I was so pleased to see Mrs. Clinton explain, “A psychologist once told me that for a boy, being in the middle of a conflict between two women is the worst possible situation. There’s always a desire to please each one.”

It must be why President Clinton and I both grew up with a desire to please every woman we met.

I have insight now into his behavior that I didn’t possess before Mrs. Clinton talked to Talk magazine.

The magazine premiered Tuesday on newsstands in Los Angeles, New York and Washington, since magazine publishers are still reluctant to believe a rumor that people in states between the West and East Coast can read.

My own story will be appearing in the second issue of Talk magazine, under the headline: “A WRITER AND HIS READERS: I DESIRE TO PLEASE EACH ONE!”

It’s a personal saga of the conflict between my mother and grandmother and how that’ll be my excuse if my wife ever catches me with another woman.

For example, in next month’s article I cite the hypothetical example of what would happen if my wife discovers that I am having affairs with Jennifer Lopez, Whitney Houston, Sophia Loren and the entire cast of HBO’s “Sex and the City.”

Upon being accused, my first response will be: “I did not have sex with those women, Ms. Lopez, Ms. Houston, Ms. Loren and the entire cast of HBO’s ‘Sex and the City.’ ”

Maybe that’ll work.

But if it doesn’t, I now feel confident that my wife will tell a magazine interviewer: “Well, when Mike was 4, there was terrible conflict between his mother and grandmother. So I can completely understand his having an affair with Ms. Lopez, Ms. Houston, Ms. Loren and the women from HBO.”

Then she will run for office in New York, living in New York obviously not being a necessity.

I will regret my cheating ways. It’s something that I should have resolved 10 years ago, should have conquered . . . although, like I say, I was single then.

Old habits are hard to break. That is why Mrs. Clinton says of her husband’s philandering: “I thought this was resolved 10 years ago. I thought he had conquered it. I thought he understood it, but he didn’t go deep enough or work hard enough.”

You know whose fault that is.

His mother’s and grandmother’s!

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It was verbal abuse, not physical. But I can empathize. My own mother would tell me: “You’re such a bad kid, you’ll cheat on your wife someday!” But my grandmother would argue: “He’s too stupid to cheat on a wife.”

I had some dysfunction in my family. You have to deal with it. You don’t walk away if you love someone.

It’s just as Mrs. Clinton tells Talk: “Everybody has some dysfunction in their families. They have to deal with it. You don’t walk away if you love someone. You help the person.”

That’s right. Walking away from a cheating husband never solved anything. You help the person. You help the swelling go down after you bounce a lamp off his head.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com