Partners in Work and Play

When Heather McClure, an accountant for Arthur Andersen in Irvine, started dating another accountant in her office, it wasn’t hard for her to imagine the future. Her parents were both attorneys and had worked together for 30 of their 35 years of marriage. The die were cast.

Mike McClure, however, felt less sure. He had more seniority with the company and knew there was an informal policy about not dating anyone in the office.

Nonetheless, the two gamely gave it a go and, after two years of dating, married four years ago. They still work in the same office and say they have no regrets.

Though dating or marrying someone you work with can be perilous, it also can make a good relationship better--for the right pair.

Working together can be a powerful connection, says Marc Schoen, associate professor of psychology at UCLA Medical School, who met his wife, also a psychologist, while working at the same hospital.

“The more people have in common, the more they have to share,” Schoen says.

Plus, “if you have to work really long hours, you don’t miss each other,” says Debra Svoboda, who has worked closely with her husband, a commercial photographer, for 20 years. That’s the upside.

But when you do go home, you continue working.

“Even when we’re having a glass of wine in the Jacuzzi, I’ll say, ‘Oh, did you remember to send out that film?’ ”

Svoboda’s husband, John, jokes, “She has a way of bringing up work when I’m in relax mode.”

That’s the downside. Married colleagues often blur the boundaries between work and home, says Tom Paris, a Venice-based psychotherapist. Some also find that being with someone 24 and seven doesn’t leave much personal space.

“No relationship is without conflict, whether it’s a working relationship or an intimate one. When the two are combined, there’s often no relief from the conflict,” says Paris, who personally has managed the unusual: a productive business relationship with his ex-wife. “Such working marriages fare best when couples have developed a healthy way to negotiate their differences.” If they can’t, underlying issues will play out at work--the reason some companies have nepotism policies.

“Ideally, feelings and emotions need to be kept separate from business decisions,” Paris says. “When people who work together are also in an intimate relationship, their business decisions may be more driven by underlying power struggles.”

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Of course, a lot depends on the players’ personalities. If both mates like to make decisions and be in control, maybe one should seek employment elsewhere. Competitive individuals also need not apply.

The Svobodas, who live in Lake Forest and work in Irvine, credit their good working relationship to their easygoing personalities and the communications skills they’ve developed in 27 years of marriage.

“We’re done fighting,” says Debra, 46.

“We’re both very willing to compromise,” adds John, 47. “We’d rather work out a solution than have a big battle.”

One way to minimize conflict, say the experts, is to make some ground rules before a couple goes to work on the same turf. Discuss where areas of disagreement might be, then decide upfront how to manage them. Explore how each partner would feel if one rises faster in the company and what should happen if the overall arrangement doesn’t work out.

And create clear job responsibilities. At Svoboda studios, for example, John shoots the pictures. Debra books appointments, handles billing and finds props.

“Before Debra got involved, I did a lot of what she did, and it was hard to let go,” John says. “I had to learn to step back and know she was perfectly capable.”

If there’s a boss-employee relationship, roles should be redefined at home.

“Being a boss at home is incompatible with intimacy,” Schoen says. He cites the classic example of the doctor who marries his nurse. “There’s an implied subordination, that’s easy to take home. But modern-day couples want parity.”

Equally messy is the whole issue of dating subordinates, a matter Heather and Mike McClure faced head on. When Heather, now 29, began working for the company, Mike, 36, had been there for seven years. Although she didn’t report to him, they both worked in the audit department.

“In most offices, these relationships would go on quietly and people would try to look the other way,” Mike says. “But we took a different approach and decided to bring it right out.

“The partner in charge simply said we couldn’t work on accounts together and that I couldn’t sit in on any meetings where Heather’s name came up for promotion or salary increase. For that, I believe, Arthur Andersen is a little ahead of the curve,” he says. In spite of some company rules discouraging office romance, Schoen says relationships at work are always going to happen because there are three key ingredients: interests in common, proximity and time together.

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But what happens when married couples fight? Rather than going to separate jobs, the partners find themselves facing one another at work.

“I won’t say there aren’t days like that,” says Mike, “but they’re rare, and in a 125-person office you’re not always running into each other.”

Even so, both couples agree that the benefits of working together go beyond car-pooling and outweigh the stresses.

“You’ve got someone who knows what you’re going through,” Mike says. “I don’t come home to someone who says, ‘Why do you work so late?’ ”