Even the Mistakes Are Predestined
Time Warp Bureau: Some of you are beginning to question whether Off-Kilter really has access to an experimental time machine built by Caltech. We learned of these doubts through a letter we’re going to receive three weeks from now asking why we sometimes run corrections. “If your time machine truly exists,” says Noah Whitley of Costa Mesa, “couldn’t you just travel into the past and correct your mistakes before you make them?”
We wish. Unfortunately, one of the things we discovered while bopping around the centuries is that theologian John Calvin’s theory of predestination is correct: God really has foreordained all of human history, including occasional errors in Off-Kilter.
On the plus side, we’ve been able to get copies of all future Off-Kilter columns, which means we can now spend our workday on more important tasks, such as playing computer solitaire and placing bets on winning racehorses.
In other mail we technically haven’t gotten yet, Aislinn Hill will ask: “What does your time machine look like and how does it work? And what are the most popular bumper stickers in the future?”
Some of that information is proprietary, since Off-Kilter is negotiating with Federal Express to create a reverse overnight delivery service (slogan: “When it absolutely, positively has to be there yesterday”). However, we can reveal that the time machine gets 29 years to the gallon and is equipped with cup holders, air bags (time travelers sometimes crash into each other), a sunroof, 20/20 hindsight rear-view mirrors and a custom LoJack alarm system that can track thieves anywhere in time.
As for future bumper stickers, the favorites will be:
* “This Car Brakes for Androids”
* “How’s My Time Traveling? Call (800) EAT-GUANO” (Note: When we tried this number, we just got a recording that said, “We’re sorry, the number you dialed is not yet in service.”)
* “My Clone Is an Honor Student at Dan Quayle Elementary”
* “Jesus Is Coming Soon--Well, Actually Not Until June 16, 2562, at 9:33 a.m.--and Boy Is He Mad”
* “No Fat Aliens”
* “Guns Don’t Kill People, Phasers Kill People”
* “Time Travelers Do It for Eons”
* “Had/Have/Will Have a Nice Day”
Meanwhile, back in 1999, reader Frank Todd of Santa Barbara challenged our report that an Alabama postal worker is the only U.S. mail carrier who delivers letters by boat. Todd said Lake Geneva, Wis., also has motorboat delivery. We checked and he’s right. Floating mail carriers also serve Martha’s Vineyard, the Louisiana bayou and the Detroit River.
Even weirder, in parts of Alaska, the mail comes by Hovercraft--and a mule train delivers letters to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (to a tribe of American Indians), according to the U.S. Postal Service.
In other letters, the math police protested our item on Wired magazine’s claim that if a person worth $225,000 lost 47 cents in a couch, it would be like Bill Gates (who is worth nearly $100 billion) losing $2 million. In fact, it’d be like Gates losing $200,000. Wired based its figure on projections that Gates could someday be worth $1 trillion. Sounds like they have a time machine, too.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Guy Falls Asleep While Talking on 900 Sex Phone Line . . . and Is Billed $7,164!” (Weekly World News)
Unpaid Informants: Ann Harrison, Lori Pond, Allison Joyce. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
