Clintons Testify--to Their Neighborly Qualities

The Clintons are looking for houses in New York. Some areas don’t care who you are; others are intent on knowing more about the potential buyers.

So it is with Happy Valley Shangri-La, which has a committee to interview prospective buyers.

“Mr. Clinton, is there anyone who can recommend you for this purchase?”

“I’m sure the lawyer Ken Starr will send a letter. He has always spoken highly of me.”

“Mr. Clinton, is there anything we should know about you that you haven’t told us in your application?”

“My life is an open book. I have never made anything up.”

“Mrs. Clinton, is there anything we should know about Mr. Clinton that he hasn’t told us?”

“I’ve said all I want to say about that in Talk magazine. Look, we’re just two simple people who want a nice home where we can sit on the porch, and count our blessings and legal fees.”

“Mrs. Clinton. What makes Mr. Clinton believe he can take care of a $2-million house in Happy Valley?”

“He ran the entire United States for eight years, and it has never been in better shape.”

Mr. Clinton says, “I launched 75 cruise missiles at Kosovo and Iraq. That should guarantee how much I care about private property.”

“Bill doesn’t like to be pushed around,” Mrs. Clinton adds.

“Mr. Clinton, have you ever been involved in an inappropriate relationship with anybody we know?”

“If you mean have I ever had a platonic golf game with somebody, the answer is no. That’s why I want to live in Happy Valley, where everybody minds their own business and has cookouts in their own backyards.”

Mr. Clinton asks, “Is it all right to build a presidential library?”

“As long as you don’t build it in the frontyard. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton, it looks like you pass the test. You’ll be happy to know we have bingo every Friday night.”