LAUGH LINES

Casting Call: “Plans are underway right here at NBC for a TV movie based on the life of Jesus. . . . Can you even shoot that in L.A.? Where are you gonna find three wise men and a virgin?” (Jay Leno)

It’s All Relative: Presidential hopeful John McCain was beaten and tortured for five years as a prisoner of war in Vietnam. “And today President Clinton said, ‘You think that’s bad, try living with Hillary for five years!’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

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The Essential

David Letterman

Pieces of Fatherly Wisdom

Passed Down by Michael Jackson

10. Don’t rush into a sham marriage--it might last months.

9. The most important thing is to be yourself . . . just kidding!

8. There are birds and there are bees--and then there are bees who’d rather be birds.

7. You’ll always cherish the day you taught daddy to throw a baseball.

5. Apply blush in short quick strokes away from the cheekbone.

4. Want to avoid an awkward wedding night sexual encounter? Fake a seizure!

2. Never lend money to uncle Tito.

1. Your only hope of growing up normal? Run.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.