Hummer Lovin’

Wider than the Mississippi, able to crush a Toyota Camry in reverse. It’s a truck, it’s a tank . . . it’s one of those obnoxious, lane-hogging Hummers. And it retails at $85,961. Can’t afford one of these SUVs on steroids? Try the next best thing:

*

Model and Price: Humdinger Golf Cart, $15,750 (four-seater) to $17,750 (six-seater).

Audience: Bill Gates, other alleged monopolists and lazy CEOs.

Appeal: Windshield and headlights; goes 24 mph, fast enough to mow down Steve Jobs.

*

Model and Price: Hummbug; assembled mini-Hummer, $15,000; or kit for converting Volkswagen, $5,150.

Audience: Off-road enthusiasts. “The guy who lives next door to a guy with a real Hummer and wants to irritate him,” according to Hummbug CEO Karl Kanthak.

Appeal: Comes in rough-and-tough Desert Storm Camo; fits in compact parking space.

*

Model and Price: Hummer limo, $200 an hour.

Audience: Valley prom queens, World Wrestling Federation fanatics, divorced dads trying to win over estranged kids.

Appeal: Biggest Hummer in the world (40 feet long); seats as many as 24; two 24-inch TVs, four bars, two sunroofs, strobe lights.

*

Model and Price: Sharper Image radio-controlled Hummer, $79.

Audience: Kids 8 and older, guys who own $50 nose-hair trimmers.

Appeal: Great way to terrify cats and annoy co-workers; air-filled studded tires.

*

Model and Price: Matchbox Hummer or Humvee, 99 cents each.

Audience: Kids 6 and over, novelty collectors who missed the Beanie Baby boat.

Appeal: No batteries required; excuse to say, “Vroom, vroom.”