Earth Attacks! But Fleep Varg Saves the Planet

FROM STAFF AND WIRE REPORTS IN THE MARTIAN CAPITAL--Thousands of joyous Martians danced and floated sideways above the streets for a third straight day as they celebrated the Defense Council’s disintegrating of yet another alien invader, believed to be from Planet Earth.

“Victory Is Complete” read the headline in the government’s official publication, the Daily Quark. Street sales reportedly topped previous all-time highs. Sporadic looting was reported.

The government threw its support behind the street revelers by declaring Martian Law, which entitled every citizen to stay out until 4 a.m. The government also reinstated, for one week only, the time-honored Martian practice of allowing citizens to drink through their ears.

‘Skip’ Gonex, Mars Hero

“I can’t think of a better way to ring in the year 11,495,375,” said Glon Plemth, Mars’ Imperial Repositor for the last 140 years but who has said he will not seek reelection so he can spend more time with his family.

The latest military success marked at least the seventh time that Mars has repelled unwelcome advances from Earth, the government reported.

Flenod “Skip” Gonex, the legendary and flamboyant two-headed commander of the Fleep Varg--which took the lead in repelling the invading force--was treated to a hero’s welcome in the capital, where citizens paraded through the streets hoisting remnants of the downed Earth vessel.

“The invasion has ended. Mars is safe,” said a cocky and jubilant Gonex, flanked on the victory stand by his wife and five children--a boy, a girl and three of the mutant varieties now popular in many upscale Martian families.

He told an adoring public that the writing on the doomed vessel bore the inscription “Mars Polar Lander” and appeared to be the latest in a series of “amateurish” efforts by Earthlings to invade the Red Planet.

The vessel sported a red, white and blue insignia, Gonex said, apparently “the home base of one of Earth’s more advanced outposts.”

He told the crowd that Martian Informational Interceptors picked up Earth reports in which long-faced scientists told its citizens only that the spacecrafts were “lost.”

That brought howls of derisive laughter from the Martian multitudes.

For the first time, Plemth announced the government also had vaporized two smaller invading craft several days earlier. They were believed to be advance scouts for the Polar Lander.

Until this week, the government’s most celebrated moment came in September when its computers caused something later identified as the “Mars Climate Orbiter” to become discombobulated after Martian military scientists scrambled its numerical system.

Hostile Activities From Earth

That victory set off a public celebration, including a one-day holiday for schools and businesses, but nothing like that of this week.

At Gonex’s press conference, beamed on the government’s new Galaxydish and attended by all members of the Martian Cosmic Council, Gonex provided the first detailed accounting of the recent skirmish with the Polar Lander.

The Martian High Guard had been on full alert in recent years, he said, because of a sudden burst of hostile activities from Earth.

Defense sensors had picked up soundings months ago, he said, but the High Guard decided to lie low until the two smaller craft, identified as Deep Space 2, appeared last week.

The actual encounter with the Polar Lander lasted no more than three or four pindrangs, Gonex said. “Once we zeroed in on their spectral field and calibrated our particle decelerators, it was like shooting fish in a barrel,” Gonex said.

When asked whether the brevity of the fight was due to the fact the Polar Lander was neither manned nor armed, Gonex said sheepishly, “Certainly, that was a factor.”

Martians remained mystified by Earth’s interest in it.

Plemth, who is retiring to join the family landscaping business, said he assumes the Earthlings are merely an acquisitive people. He reminded the crowd that one of its outposts once sent a man to Earth’s moon.

Asked if the latest defeat would deter Earthlings, Plemth deferred to Gonex.

“Beats me,” Gonex said. “They seem like a pretty determined life form.”

*

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com