How Kids React to a ‘New Family’ Depends on Age

“Don’t expect your child to instantly hit it off with your new sweetie pie,” says Lawrence Ganong, a University of Missouri professor of family studies. “Settle for mutual respect. If you’re lucky, the deep love and affection may come later.”

A child’s reaction to remarriage can’t be predicted, but certain behaviors and thought processes can be categorized by age levels. Here are some guidelines:

* 10 or younger: After a divorce, younger children often go through a period of “mommy (or daddy) shopping,” says Marjorie Engel, president of the Stepfamily Assn. of America. “They pick out people in grocery stores as potential new parents. But the children may begin to balk when the real thing comes along. Before, it was just a game.”

* Teens: “At this age, kids are starting to pull away from the family; they might even have a job,” says Engel. “They will really feel at odds with the whole lovey-dovey new family concept.” As teens begin to be aware of their own sexuality, “no kid wants to think about their parent having sex,” says Johns Hopkins University sociology professor Andrew Cherlin says.

“[Teens] are budding sexually,” says Engel. “Also, a teen may suddenly be living with someone, a step-sibling, of the opposite sex . . . whom they could technically date.”

* Adults: Don’t think you’re off the hook just because the kids are grown and no longer living at home. “Older children are separated from the home but still connected,” says Engel.

“ ‘Where will we go for Thanksgiving?’ becomes an issue. And money and inheritance comes into play. Many children believe inheritance should follow blood lines, not wedding bands. This includes heirlooms and family photos.”