Dream a Little Dream of Mars

Friday, Dec. 3, 1999-- Science officer’s log, Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena, Calif., 12:15 p.m., Earth time. First chance for NASA engineers to receive contact from Mars Polar Lander, scheduled to touch down today at Martian south pole. All systems go.

JPL to MPL: Come in, please, Polar Lander. Awaiting your signal.

MPL: (No response.)

JPL to MPL: Rise and shine, MPL. Confirm landing, please.

MPL: (No response.)

JPL: Phone home, MPL. Operators standing by.

MPL: (No response.)

JPL: 12:16 now. You promised you’d call.

MPL: (No response.)

JPL: OK, Polar Lander, sorry to miss you. Try again tomorrow if you’re not too busy. Out.

*

Saturday, Dec. 4, 1999--Two-hour window of opportunity tonight. Still no word from Mars Polar Lander or from two smaller Deep Space probes. All analysts here still confident.

JPL to MPL: Ground control to MPL. Eager to hear from you.

MPL: (No response.)

JPL to MPL: Whenever you’re ready, MPL. Give us a buzz, babe.

MPL: (No response.)

JPL: Wakey wakey, MPL. Give us that 6 o’clock eyewitness Mars news.

MPL: (No response.)

*

Sunday, Dec. 5, 1999: Six minutes of availability today. Flight operations managers hope to contact Polar Lander through secondary UHF antenna aboard craft. All hands on deck here, fingers crossed.

JPL to MPL: Yoo hoo?

MPL: (No response.)

JPL to MPL: We spent 165 million bucks on you. Least you could do is return our calls.

MPL: (No response.)

JPL to MPL: If in distress, please indicate. One beep for yes, two beeps for no.

MPL: (No response.)

*

Tuesday, Dec. 7, 1999: Twenty minutes past midnight now. Seventh attempt to reach MPL. Latest effort to make contact via Mars Global Explorer unsuccessful thus far. Faint hope here now. Tensions mounting.

JPL to MPL: Wake up, you three-legged piece of junk.

MPL: (No response.)

JPL to MPL: Your mama’s a cargo vessel.

MPL: (No response.)

JPL to MPL: You ain’t got the sense God gave a tin can.

MPL: (No response.)

JPL to MPL: We hate you here. Go jump in a crater. Over and out.

*

Saturday, Dec. 11, 1999: Science officer’s log, Jet Propulsion Lab, one minute past midnight. I am all alone now. Playing solitaire on NASA monitor. Everyone else gone. Janitor just left. I honestly feel that we . . .

MPL: Hello? Anybody home?

JPL: Excuse me?

MPL: Mars to Earth. Mars to Earth. Come in, Earth.

JPL: It’s you!

MPL: Of course it’s me.

JPL: I can’t believe it.

MPL: Why? Who were you expecting?

JPL: We thought we lost you.

MPL: It’s not my fault. My digital readout thought it was 1899.

JPL: Oh, man. Last time we forgot to use the metric system, now this.

MPL: Whole trip took 100 years longer than it should have. I was so bored.

JPL: Other than that, how was your trip?

MPL: OK. I got tailgated by some Russian satellite, but otherwise no problem.

JPL: This is a great connection. You sound like you’re right next door.

MPL: Listen, this call is costing me a fortune. You want to make small talk or do you want some data?

JPL: Right you are, Polar Lander. Let me find a pencil.

MPL: Don’t let me rush you.

JPL: OK, shoot.

MPL: Well, the temperature on Mars today is 722 degrees. Partly cloudy, wind coming out of Neptune at around 25 mph.

JPL: Got it.

MPL: The planet’s surface is mainly red dirt and igneous rock. Pretty much like Arizona.

JPL: Interesting.

MPL: I landed approximately 300 meters from a small pool of cool water, a palm tree and a beautiful Martian babe in a bikini.

JPL: Hmmm. Could be a mirage.

MPL: The mall has a Gap, a Nordstrom and a 16-theater cineplex with nothing but Sigourney Weaver movies.

JPL: Uh . . . Polar Lander? You may be experiencing a malfunction.

MPL: Thousands of little green men, carrying ray guns with little emblems of Charlton Heston!

JPL: Polar Lander . . . ?

MPL: Let’s sing a song. “Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.”

JPL: Polar Lander!

*

Dec. 12, 1999: Science officer’s log. The janitor just woke me. My computer is blank. Mars Polar Lander remains missing. Last one out of the laboratory is supposed to turn out the lights.

*

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com