LAUGH LINES

Aural Fixation: “Mike Tyson hasn’t publicly commented on investigations of animal abuse at his home in Las Vegas. Reporters refuse to interview him and hear his side of the story. They know once he gets going, he will chew your ear off.” (Argus Hamilton)

Setting the Pace: “Presidential hopeful Bill Bradley suffers from irregular heart rhythm. It only bleeds when the polls say it should.” (Gary Easley)

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The Essential David Letterman

Top Demands of Striking Elves

10. Separate showers for elves and reindeer.

9. Increased vacation time from inhuman 11 months a year.

8. Stop feeding under-performing elves to Blitzen.

7. Treatment center for addiction to aerosol snow.

6. Replace bloodstained floorboards around table saw where Jingles the elf had his accident.

5. Unblock adult Web sites on workshop computers.

4. Bobo the elf is a very disturbed individual--take him off the doll production line.

3. Once in a while, something other than “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” on the P.A. system.

2. Mrs. Claus must remove video camera from elves’ locker room.

1. More Twix in vending machine.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.