Many Happy Returns

The presents are open--and there is no way you are going to wear those pig-feet slippers from Aunt Gertrude.

Those savvy at returns know that the way to make your life easiest would be to tell Aunt Gertie that the offending slippers will never touch your flesh, so could she cough up the cash and return them at her leisure?

But few of us have the nerve. And such efficiency could result in fewer gifts in the future.

So we suggest you tactfully explain that you already have some pink, fuzzy, pig-feet slippers and the reason no one has seen them is that you are saving them for special occasions so as to not show off how lucky you are and be hated by the less-fortunate ordinary slipper owners.

If Auntie G offers to return them for you, don’t hesitate to accept--and quickly suggest another gift that is in the same general price range.

If not, you are at Tante ‘Trude’s mercy. Some givers include a gift receipt in the box that tells you where it was purchased without revealing the price. Others make you ask for the receipt, and some fall silent, forcing you to fish for information on where the gift came from.

Whatever you do, don’t take off any tags, not even in an attempt to pretend you are going to keep the item. If you do, and misplace the tags, you might have the beginnings of a Babe outfit for next Halloween.

And as far as software and video games go, don’t touch the packaging if you aren’t sure you want to keep them. Concerns about fraud, especially with computer software that can be easily downloaded, have spurred many stores to institute a policy allowing opened software or video games to be exchanged for only the same title.

For their part, store managers are trying to make the gift return process as easy as possible.

At Sam’s Club in Oxnard, store manager Greg Roberts hopes to avoid the long lines that often follow Christmas by having five people working on returns instead of the usual one. “We’ve been working on a plan for three weeks and have come up with the staff and a plan to make the process go smoothly,” Roberts said.

The store will have a two-stage procedure instead of the usual one, so someone can look up and price the item before the club member gets to the cashier.

His advice to customers is to keep the box intact and to be sure to bring it and all the parts, including the warranty and instruction manual, to the return counter. That means you shouldn’t wad up every paper in sight, even if you can’t see the tree for several hours Christmas morning.

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Ross Dress for Less, which has stores in Ventura, Thousand Oaks and Camarillo, also will be prepared with extra staff and a plan to deal with the return crowds.

To help the line move quickly, Jenine Machuca of the Ventura store suggests that customers bring receipts or be ready to exchange for merchandise. Items for exchange that have been recently marked down must have a receipt or customers will get the sale price, she said.

“What makes it really hard is when people bring receipts with no tags and someone has to go and search for the exact same item before we can do anything,” Machuca said.

So, again, leave those tags on. Stores want to get you in and out fast, but you have to cooperate a little. And don’t even think about putting on those slippers and walking around the house. Who would want to buy used pig-feet slippers?

Camarillo Kmart apparel manager Paul Flores also encourages customers who want a quick refund to bring in receipts and tags along with the merchandise.

Without a receipt, the Kmart computer will give customers the lowest price the item sold for in the last 12 weeks, and that amount will be put on a cash card. The cash card, which looks like a credit card, can be used like a gift certificate at any Kmart.

Even though Kmart--which also has stores in Moorpark, Simi Valley, Thousand Oaks, Santa Paula and Ventura--has added extra staff to its return counter and is prepared for a multitude of returns, Flores has a better idea for those who plan to get there when the store opens at 7 a.m. Sunday.

“Just come for the great sales and have a good time shopping. Do the refund later, after the rush,” he said.

And don’t forget the thank you note to the Trudester--accompanied,perhaps, by a bag of pork rinds?

Nancy Needham can be reached at nancy.needham@reporters.net.