Turn Solo Holiday Time Into a Gift to Yourself

Dear Vicki: I am dreading the week after Christmas so much that I can hardly focus on the fun and festivities leading up to the holiday. I’ve been divorced for five years and my ex always gets our three daughters, ages 7, 8 and 12, for the second half of the winter vacation. That means that before I’ve even finished cleaning up the wrapping paper and spilled stocking candy, my kids have to be dressed and have their bags packed to be picked up by their dad.

I know it’s only fair and in my girls’ best interest to have them spend this time with their other parent, but I’m always left feeling so let down and depressed that I usually spend the rest of the day in bed crying. Do you have any advice or suggestions for moms like me?

--BLUE AT CHRISTMAS

Dear Blue: The holidays can be emotionally hazardous even under the best conditions. After all the hustle and bustle spent trying to create a Very Brady Christmas in our own Very Bundy Homes, millions of people find themselves feeling a little let down or, more poignantly, lonely on that fragile day.

Add to that the disappointment of saying goodbye to the same little people you worked so hard to build the holiday around, and watching a rerun of “White Christmas” can send you running for some Jamestown Kool-Aid.

I have many girlfriends who go through this same agony each year, but my closer identification is from my own memories.

I was a child who was shuttled out of our “mommy Christmas” and whisked to our “daddy Christmas” every year for nearly a decade. Here’s what I remember most: My brother and I were positively consumed with worry about our mommy’s well-being after we left. We really couldn’t have cared less whether the rest of our holiday would be spent miniature golfing or sublimating our instinct to break all the gifts of our precious stepsisters and stepbrothers at Daddy’s house.

The greatest gift that we could have received when we were your kids’ ages was the reassurance that Mommy had something fabulous to do that made her so happy and fulfilled that we could enjoy our time with Dad without wearing the horsehair shirt of guilt till New Year’s Eve.

I know this is asking superhuman strength from you, my dear Blue, but sometimes keeping up appearances for our kids gets us out of our flannel nighties and lipsticked into presentability, even when our own self-esteem is so anemic that a vampire wouldn’t want us. This sounds nauseatingly self-sacrificing and I don’t want you to think that I’ve taken this whole notion far too literally. It’s just the beginning, Girlfriend, so stick with me.

Go ahead and admit to yourself that a week of time to do whatever you want can be a pretty heady Christmas gift. First of all, think of all those sales that start Sunday morning! Kids hate tagging along on those feeding frenzies, but you could have a grand ol’ time waging retail warfare on your own or with your mom or another pal.

Everyone knows that the holidays are really for children. It’s their enduring belief in the magic of Santa, their devotion to rituals such as hanging stockings and their desire to feel they’re part of the magic spell that drive the holiday spirit into our own hearts. If you can give them the gift of believing that they don’t carry the weight of your holiday happiness on their tiny shoulders, you’ve given them something even better than Pokemon could.

That accomplished, and I know you can do it, Girlfriend, you are officially entitled to travel, sleep at odd hours, watch provocative videos and eat ice cream out of the container while resting in your bed.

What crazy person actually believes that staying up Christmas Eve wrapping Furby Babies is as terrific as scheduling a facial or massage for the 26th? Only a Girlfriend who has temporarily lost her way. There are millions of you out there; you can get in touch or just take comfort in how normal your feelings are. In the end, you will rise to the challenge of liberating your kids and emotionally moving forward to preparing for the challenges of finding just the right thing to wear on New Year’s Eve!

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Vicki Iovine is the author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine and parenting correspondent for NBC’s “Later Today.” Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A., CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com.