No Longer Enough Souls on Ice

Souled Out Department: Even if mankind solves the dreaded Year 2000 problem, we’re still headed for disaster. According to a report in the Annals of Improbable Research, which publishes scientific studies that “cannot or should not be reproduced,” the world is facing a critical shortage of souls.

Using a convoluted mathematical analysis of reincarnation, the report claims that the world’s current population exceeds the total number of people who have ever lived. In other words, there aren’t enough dead souls to go around anymore, especially if some people already have had more than one past life.

To solve the shortage, the report recommends that past lives be shared. Otherwise, the number of people who are walking around with no soul--a phenomenon already plaguing Washington, D.C., and the entertainment industry--could threaten the survival of the planet.

Will He Treat Potato Famine?: Mr. Potato Head is about to become Dr. Potato Head. The tuber MD will debut at this month’s toy fair in New York, complete with tiny stethoscope, lab coat, tongue depressors and green scrubs.

Also ahead: a Fishing Potato Head that comes with a pole, lures and fishing vest, and a Golfing Potato Head with cleats, clubs and golfer’s cap. The new Potato Heads will sell for about $20 each.

Get a Life Bureau: Animal rights activists are protesting the use of Pennsylvania’s famous groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, as a barometer for whether there will be six more weeks of winter. Members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals say that yanking Phil from his state-regulated habitat to see if he notices his shadow is cruel and inhumane.

Alarming Trends Department: Hollywood’s powerful Creative Artists Agency has agreed to represent the Furby toy for a possible movie deal.

And where are People for the Ethical Treatment of Furbys when we need them?

‘Dorking Down’ the News: According to a new edict from The Times, it is now permissible to use the word “dork” in the newspaper. The revised policy states: “Through extensive use, especially among the young, this word has become acceptable in colloquial usage to mean a foolish or awkward person. However, its etymological origins are vulgar, so use it advisedly.”

We agree this word should be used sparingly and want to assure our readers that just because we can say dork doesn’t mean we will--unless, of course, someone has behaved so dorkily (this word also is now acceptable for describing dorkesque behavior) that no other word would accurately convey the full dorkiness of the situation.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Today’s Bikers Are Wimps!” (Weekly World News)

According to a new survey, the typical biker of the 1990s is a dentist in his 30s who reads the Wall Street Journal regularly, enjoys crossword puzzles, and listens to Michael Bolton and Whitney Houston.

In other words, there’s a shortage of dead bikers’ souls.

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Marc Abrahams, Wireless Flash News. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Some material may be reincarnated from previous columns.