Preparing for the Golden Years Can Be a Hoot

All week long I’ve been asking myself: Am I Hooters material?

It’s not a question I have put to myself before. But when I read that a downtown Ventura landlord is thinking about leasing his vacant building to the Hooters chain, I put on the old thinking cap.

For those who aren’t in the know, as I am, Hooters is somewhat famous for young, beautiful waitresses who wear low-cut T-shirts stuffed into teensy shorts.

City officials made it clear last week they’re not exactly enthusiastic about Hooters coming to town, but even if they say no, there are lots of other places that might say yes. So I was left pondering: If Hooters did come to Ventura County, could I land a part-time job there?

Like many my age, which used to be the California speed limit, and which many my age think should still be the speed limit, I have my eye on the future--starting to think about what to do in the coming golden years. An interesting part-time job at Hooters to supplement my Social Security, once it kicks in, sounded just my speed. Plus, I hear the tips are good.

Then, when I saw a Hooters “now hiring” ad in the paper for its new Santa Monica location, I really began to get worked up about the possibilities. I wanted to know more.

For instance, as a new hire, would my AARP card get me a discount when purchasing employee uniforms?

I read the job requirements. “If you are personable . . .” was the first qualification.

Well, I am nothing if not a people person. Meeting the public has always been my strong point. Score one for me.

“If you love flexible hours . . .” was another plus from a part-time standpoint. And since downtown Ventura is only a three-minute drive from my house, getting to work would be a snap, even on the senior shuttle bus.

So far, so good.

Then I saw the next job requirement: “If you are community involved . . .”

Uh-oh.

That could be the snag. Would Hooters consider my level of community involvement impressive enough?

I mean, I am a registered voter and I’ve volunteered at the library over the years. I support my local public radio station and always give extra to the Red Cross in a disaster.

Not too bad, but nothing to brag about, either.

And what if, say, a couple of real community activists, such as county Supervisors Kathy Long, Judy Mikels or Susan Lacey, also decided to apply? Their public service would make me look like a sluggard. I suspect all three of them are smarter than me, too. Employers like that in a worker.

On the other hand, I’m never late for work, I only call in sick every couple of years and always complete assigned tasks on time. A supervisor once told me I was “cheerful.”

So those things were on my side. I was still unsure, though, so I decided to apply my philosophy of life to the situation.

Actually, I have two philosophies of life: The first is “Carpe Diem,” which, for non-Latin buffs, means “Seize the Carp.” The second is, “The early bird gets the worm.” What these two adages have in common is that they both mention the animal kingdom. I love animals, always have.

I decided to fax a resume to Hooters’ Los Angeles headquarters, to get a jump on all those other community-involved applicants.

I called the Santa Monica office at 8:15 on Wednesday morning, thus putting my “early bird” philosophy into play.

Since this is 1999, I shouldn’t have been surprised to get a recording. The voice said, “We are now accepting applications in person.”

In person? I was frankly taken aback. Usually, employers want to see an application or a resume before they talk to you in person. I was puzzled.

After some thought, I decided it’s just too far to drive merely to pick up an application. I’m feeling a little down about it--now, Hooters will never know I carried a B+ grade average at Ventura College.

And I’ll never know their policy on wearing Supp-Hose to work under those teensy shorts.