Going Under in a Custom Coffin
Artistic Caskets Bureau: Rumors have been flying that Off-Kilter has been replaced by a stunt double. One of the “clues” is a January column that, when read backward, contains the sentence, “I buried Off-Kilter.” Another tip-off is that Cameron Diaz has reportedly resumed dating Matt Dillon even though it’s obvious she’d be with us if circumstances allowed.
But the most persuasive evidence that we are an impostor is the fact that it’s been seven months since Off-Kilter wrote about thrilling new innovations in the funeral industry.
Well, we hate to deflate a good conspiracy theory, but a Texas company called WhiteLight has just introduced a bizarre line of customized caskets. The exterior designs include Fairway to Heaven (a coffin coated with a mural of a golf course) and Return to Sender (a steel casket that looks like a wrapped parcel ready for shipping to the Pearly Gates).
Less irreverent images in the company’s “spring collection” include angels, Our Lady of Guadalupe, an Irish flag and an AIDS ribbon. But company spokesman Patrick Fant says any picture can be reproduced, thanks to a revolutionary process that covers the entire casket exterior with a “digitally imaged photo laminate mural.”
WhiteLight plans to unveil its Art Caskets at a champagne reception in the Dallas Design District.
Try It Out on Money-Changers: We’ve heard of Christian gun shops. Now there’s a Kickin’ for Christ Karate school. According to the Nashville Tennessean, the students “learn how to love and respect their fellow man and how to flatten him out cold if necessary.”
Dr. Dolittle Department: Dog obedience problems? Try talking like Barry White. Los Angeles voice specialist Mort Cooper says dogs respond best to bass voices, while cats prefer someone who sounds like Sally Field. Cooper also warns humans never to speak to parakeets using a guttural Henry Kissinger-style voice. Try to sound like Teri Garr, he urges.
Suspicious Minds Bureau: We were scarfing down lunch at a strip mall the other day when a scruffy-looking guy approached and said, “Hi, how are you?” We started to mumble something about having a slightly elevated cholesterol level, expecting him to make a pitch for money, food and / or the keys to our car, but instead he kept walking and cheerily added, “Beautiful day, isn’t it?”
He repeated the same basic speech as he passed the next table, and it suddenly dawned on us that we have become far too cynical about our fellow human beings. Sure, the world has its hustlers, but that doesn’t mean every stranger who says hello is angling for a handout.
Anyway, if this little story inspires you to rethink your own attitudes, send us a small check or money order as a token of your thanks.
Alarming Dates in History: On this day 31 years ago, Gary Coleman was born.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Preacher Sues Surgeons for Extracting His Soul!” (Weekly World News)
Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Mary Stolzenbach. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Here’s another clue for you all: The walrus wasn’t Paul. It was Off-Kilter.