The Fine Line Between Helping and Hindering
You learned you were having a baby. So you read all the books, watched all the videos, took all the classes to master the challenging job ahead. But you found the best answers usually came from--other parents.
So, now that you’re a parent-expert too, we asked you about protecting your child from life’s bumps and bruises. Here’s what you said:
*
If you love your kids, you never stop wanting to protect them from harm and pain. But micromanaging their problems, especially as they get older, will drive them crazy.
If you remain available and interested in your kids’ lives without being nosy or judgmental (which is sometimes very difficult to do), they will surely be more likely to come to you in times of trouble.
--BONNIE K. SLOANE,
Los Angeles
*
The idea that we can protect our children from everyone and everything that poses a threat is unrealistic and potentially harmful. It’s important for each child to know there is an adult in their lives--whether parent, teacher, grandparent or friend--who they can talk to about anything and who can guide them without harsh judgment.
This will give children the confidence to make their own decisions, and the courage to ask for help when they need it.
--ANNE SNYDER,
Los Angeles
*
I have watched [my now-12-year-old] get pushed about and down the “pecking order” since preschool. Standing behind him, “giving him words” never worked either. I guess I ingrained what was socially acceptable--no hitting, biting, etc., while other parents sat back and proudly watched their children physically defend themselves.
When we finally realized, too late, that the world was not as safe as we had led him to believe, we gave him permission to defend himself. We told him to “give” the first punch. . . . But he wouldn’t: “It’s in our handbook, we’re not allowed to,” he told us. . . .
I can’t blame the school. . . . Unfortunately, the squeaky wheels get all the attention, and the better behaved children suffer.
--S. SMITH, San Bernardino
*
The next question: It happens at age 2, or at age 6, even at age 16--whining. That pitched, squealing voice, grating on your nerves, destroying your cool. Do you beg, plead, cajole, threaten? What works--or doesn’t--in the battle against The Whine?
*
Please share your strategies with us in 75 words or fewer by Friday. Each Monday, we’ll ask a new parenting question, and publish responses on a subsequent Monday. Send to Parental Guidance (PG), Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053; e-mail socalliving@latimes.com or fax (213) 237-0732. Please include your name, hometown and phone number. Submissions cannot be returned. No telephone calls, please.
