A Present Fur the One You Love

Lump of Coal Department: The winner of 1998’s worst holiday gift contest, sponsored by American Express, was a “Do-It-Yourself Mink Coat Kit,” which included a mink trap, skinner’s knife, pelt stretcher, needle and thread. Runners-up: a jar of navel lint and a dead cat’s ashes.

Weird Polls Bureau: While the rest of the paper bores you with unending surveys on President Clinton’s fate (22% of Americans now favor impeachment, 36% prefer neutering, and 42% want to drop an atomic bomb on Washington and start over), Off-Kilter is busy keeping tabs on more vital matters, such as the behavior of pizza delivery customers in the nation’s capital.

Thus we present the latest Domino’s Pizza Meter, an annual survey of pizza delivery drivers in Washington. The findings:

* The number of customers who answered the door while smoking cigars rose 27% after the Starr Report was released.

* In the week that Monica Lewinsky’s infamous cocktail dress was publicized, 51 women answered the door wearing that same dress. So did six men.

* Tipping at the White House rose 62% the night after Newt Gingrich’s resignation.

* During the impeachment vote, tipping at Republican headquarters was three times higher than at Democratic headquarters.

* The week after “Saving Private Ryan” opened, 211 pizza drivers were saluted by their customers.

* The top fake names given when ordering pizza in Washington were Linda Tripp (67% of whom were men), Monica Lewinsky, Bob Dole (his fifth straight year on the list) and Larry King.

Quote of the Day: Vice President Al Gore on bureaucratese: “If we took the same approach to Christmas songs that we take to the language of federal rules and regulations, instead of ‘Silent Night,’ we’d be singing about ‘noise-mitigated post-daylight time intervals.’ ”

Cloudy Crystal Balls Report: Cars with built-in microwave ovens will debut this fall, claims a Los Angeles psychic. Another soothsayer predicts Kenneth Starr will run for Congress, lose, and then get hooked on drugs and booze.

Diana Dough: New coins bearing Princess Diana’s portrait will be issued Tuesday by the British Royal Mint. The copper-and-nickel coins carry a face value of 5 pounds (about $8.40), but initially will be sold in America and England for $14.95 each in a packet that includes photos and quotes from the late princess.

However, Diana must share the spotlight with former mother-in-law Queen Elizabeth, who is on the flip side of the two-headed coin because British law requires the monarch’s image on all currency.

Lunatic Fringe Bureau: A group called the Academy of Carnal Arts and Sciences has chosen Brad Pitt’s keister as “best male butt of 1998.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Nuns With Guns! Sisters Form Death Squad to Battle Drug Dealers in Colombia!” (Weekly World News)

In related news, pizza orders by drug lords fell 33% after the nuns took up arms.

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Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: PR Newswire, Wireless Flash News, Hotline. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.