Bored of Supervisors? Not After This Episode
The news that the Board of Supervisors may begin televising its meetings is the kind of programming decision that usually costs someone their job.
“You’re putting what on the air?” a network executive would say.
“Uh, the Orange County supervisors.”
“You mean the group that Jim Silva and Chuck Smith serve on? Not on my air, you’re not. Tell me you’re joking. Who’s gonna watch that? We’ll get killed in the ratings!”
You can understand the concern. Other than for Todd Spitzer, who’s kind of a one-man Penn & Teller, the supervisors are not exactly the cast of “Saturday Night Live.”
Pity the director getting the assignment for the supes’ first televised meeting . . .
Smith: With respect to the information provided by counsel on the El Toro matter, in addition to the presentation from staff on the advisability of pursuing the previous----
Director: Cut . . . ! Chuck, you’re hypnotizing people. This is television, not a seance. Dig a little deeper, big guy. And, ACTION!
Silva: If I may take a moment to interject and acknowledge the members in the audience from the Huntington Beach Floral Society whose many long hours on their recent fund-raising swap meet resulted in--
Director: Cut, cut, cut! Jim, I see where you’re going with that, but it’s a tad--
Silva: Too peppy?
Director: No, actually it’s a bit dry, Jim. The Bonneville Salt Flats are a raging river compared to it. Do you have any idea what sells these days? We are going to be up against things like the guy who captures crocodiles and ESPN and Geraldo. Do you get my drift?
Smith: May I have a moment?
Director: Sure.
(Smith turns his back to audience for 10 seconds, then faces it again.)
Smith: If anyone thinks I’m going to entertain more discussion on this idiotic El Toro airport proposal, they’re nuts.
Director (taken aback): Chuck?
Silva: What? Mr. Chairman, have you lost your mind?
Director: Go, Jim! Don’t fight the anger.
Silva (turning to Smith): Need I remind the little turncoat from Westminster that a Mr. George Argyros is in the audience.
Smith: Big deal.
Director (in hushed tones): Beautiful, Chuck. Underplay the scene.
Spitzer: Wait a minute, Smith. Don’t try and horn in on my issue.
Director: That’s good, Todd! Play up the conflict. Insult somebody.
Spitzer: Silva couldn’t find El Toro on a map till he met George Argyros.
Silva: Did I hear a Chihuahua yapping in here, or was Mr. Spitzer at the microphone?
Director (making a fist, exultantly): Good, Jim! Great!
Spitzer: You bleepin’ moron!
Silva (beaming): Who you calling a moron, you backstabbing egomaniac?
Supervisor Cynthia Coad: I love it when you guys fight, especially you, Jim. It makes your neck purple.
Director (gently coaxing): Cynthia, can you give me some more?
Coad: In fact, I might as well come right out and say it. I’ve admired you from afar for a long time, Jim. I mean, really admired you. It’s the reason I ran for the board in the first place--so I could be near you.
Silva: Please don’t say what I think you’re about to say.
Coad: I love you, you big knucklehead, and I don’t care who knows it!
Director (weeping with joy): Beautiful, Cynthia! Stunning!
Silva (head in hands): Where’s Bill Steiner when we need him?
Supervisor Tom Wilson: Jim, there’s also something I’ve wanted to say to you for a long time. Of all the men--
Silva: Move to adjourn!
Director: And cut, and that’s a wrap, people, and you are beautiful!
Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by calling (714) 966-7821 or by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or by e-mail to dana.parsons@latimes.com