Break With Mother Turns Nightmarish

Dear Cynthia: I have always had a very rocky relationship with my mother. Recently, after a huge falling out with her, I decided for my own well-being to limit my exposure to her. I will have to be in contact from time to time regarding my siblings.

After the fight, I began having extremely vivid nightmares about her. The subjects have ranged from my just visiting her in Florida to her actually trying to kill me. The nightmares stopped for a few days but now they are back in full force, often with three or four in one night.

Obviously, they are affecting my sleep, as well as my emotional state. What can I do about them, short of reconciling with her (which wouldn’t be a good thing)?

--E.B., Via Internet

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Dear Reader: The dreams you had about visiting your mother could reflect a desire to meet her halfway and reconcile, or a desire for a relationship you long for but simply is not possible. Remember, though: Visits are short term. Perhaps it would be possible for you to get along with her for brief periods, when necessary.

The dreams in which she is trying to kill you are, of course, much more disturbing. Even though you have made a conscious choice to limit your exposure to her, to protect yourself from the volatile outbursts you have experienced, it doesn’t necessarily follow that every part of you has accepted this decision.

Since you are having so many nightmares each night, it sounds like you are in emotional turmoil. There is a battle going on between three parts of self: your head, which knows intellectually what is in your best interest, and has taken action; your heart, which feels wounded because of the lifelong difficulties with your mother; and your gut, which senses that this is not how things should be, and is upset that you have a less-than-ideal relationship with your mother.

I recommend two things. First, consider counseling to deal with the pain and disappointment. Second, find a good and supportive friend, a surrogate mother, so to speak, with whom you can share things in a maternal way. Creating your own “family” can help fill out what is lacking because of your estranged relationship--and should help ease the nightmares.

* Fax your dreams to Cynthia Richmond at (213) 237-0732 or e-mail them to in.your.dreams@worldnet.att.net. Please include your hometown and a daytime phone number. “In Your Dreams” appears every Tuesday and should be read for entertainment purposes only.