Putting Pressure on the Creator to Combat a Smog-Belching Comet

Space Smog Bureau: Forget about global warming. We’re worried about galactic warming. According to a recent study by NASA, the Hale-Bopp comet emits an obscene amount of carbon monoxide each day--roughly equal to the level put out by 5.5 billion cars.

Fortunately, under pressure from environmentalists, Congress has passed the Clean Galaxy Act, which requires that all comets be equipped with catalytic converters by 2006 and undergo annual smog inspections. However, the measure is opposed by the manufacturer, God, who says he needs more time to meet the deadline.

Why Academics Shouldn’t See Movies: A Bucknell University professor has criticized the film “Tarzan” on grounds that a real ape man wouldn’t have such a studly physique.

The Pennsylvania professor says a human raised in the wild would actually be thinner and shorter than average, with a hunched-over back and a tendency to walk on all fours.

Music Appreciation Bureau: To play “Louie, Louie” on the telephone, press 111-66-999-66.

Wheels of Justice Bureau: Here’s a comforting tidbit from U.S. News & World Report: “In some states, auto thieves don’t spend a day in jail unless they have four prior convictions.”

Alarming Dates in History: In 1975 at this time, the Captain & Tennille’s “Love Will Keep Us Together” was the No. 1 song on the pop charts. Makes the whole Y2K threat seem tame by comparison, doesn’t it?

Lunatic Fringe Bureau: No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Not enough people are being abducted by UFOs. According to a California psychotherapist, when a husband or wife is kidnapped by extraterrestrials, it improves the marriage because abductees tend to be more spiritually evolved.

Tax Loophole of the Month: New Zealand prostitutes can now write off nondairy whipped cream as a business expense, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.

Alarming Trends Monitor: Rhino Records is releasing a “greatest hits” collection from the band Dokken.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Hell Is Bankrupt! Satan Is So Strapped for Cash That He Can’t Even Buy Souls Anymore!” (Weekly World News)

According to WWN, the devil’s predicament stems from his reliance on humans bartering away their souls as a method to gain new recruits. “In the old days, ignorant peasants would sell their souls for a few pieces of silver,” the tabloid says. “By the 1980s, the going rate was $5 million apiece and top-quality souls went for far more. The aggressive spending led to near-complete financial collapse in 1994.”

Since then, the Prince of Darkness has placed a $10,000 cap on the fees paid for a new soul. One of Beelzebub’s intermediaries called the policy disastrous: “Last year, this 27-year-old stockbroker came to my office, eager to sell his soul. When I offered him $10,000, he laughed in my face.”

As a result, most of Hades’ new recruits are “bums, welfare cases and other ne’er-do-wells.” This could doom the side of evil when Armageddon arrives. WWN says: “Instead of an army of minions made up of the best and brightest, Satan will have to field the dregs of society.”

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Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Hotline, Chicago Sun-Times. Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.