Spouse Overreacted, but Baby Photos Aren’t for Clients

Dear Vicki: Last night my husband and I went to dinner with one of his most important clients. I must confess that I didn’t have much to contribute to the conversation, since their mutual business was the big topic. But I still thought I was someone my husband could be proud of: I squeezed into a pre-pregnancy dress (with the help of two pairs of control tops) and was friendly and interested (even though I was exhausted and convinced that our baby-sitter was throwing a rave in our absence).

Well, for the first time in our marriage, my husband actually humiliated me in front of people. I guess I started rambling on about our 18-month-old daughter, and when I pulled out a picture, he actually gave the client one of those pained smiles.

Later, in the car, he pretended not to know the problem. Is it all over beteen us?

--GROUNDS FOR

DIVORCE?

Dear Grounds: Let’s take the most serious issue first: No, this is not grounds for divorce, especially now that you share a little girl. This is, however, still a most heinous crime.

The thing to keep in mind about all us imperfect humans is that we often lash out at our loved ones when we’re freaked out, mostly because we are confident that they won’t pop us in the nose or stop loving us.

I don’t know your mate, but I think it’s safe to assume he can’t even remember the offensive reactions now.

Just so that no one accuses me of failing to see both sides of this dispute, let me ever-so-gently suggest that there is a teeny-weeny chance that you do get a bit tedious in the adoration of your daughter; you wouldn’t be a normal mommy if you didn’t. Here’s the bottom line on that: Never show non-parents photos of your kids unless they are blood relatives, and never show anyone pictures after 6 p.m., especially if cocktails are being served--the two rarely mix.

OK, so now what do you do to restore peace? Try this tactic: In a quiet and soulful voice, explain to your husband that your feelings are deeply hurt and that you, the mother of his child, feel betrayed. Don’t whine and don’t call him names, but look as sad and shocked as you feel. Let him know that you understand the pressure he’s under at work, but remind him that your sweetness (and special favors) are dependent on your trust in him.

Then the ball’s in his court. He may not be banished to the sofa, but he may wish he were.

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Dear Vicki: I have been “dating” a guy for nearly four years, and I love him with all my heart. We plan to get married when he finishes graduate school, and I can’t envision my future without him.

My problem is that lately, when we’ve been intimate, I’ve fantasized about this guy from my office. I hardly know him, and he doesn’t hold a candle to my boyfriend, but there he is. Is this like Jimmy Carter’s “lusting in my heart”? Does this mean that I’m subconsciously unhappy with my boyfriend?

--MESSING AROUND MENTALLY

Dear Mental: Oh, for heaven’s sake, if everyone who thinks about one partner while having sex with another were guilty of infidelity, we’d all be living in Gomorrah. Commitment and monogamy are the achievements that come from tremendous maturity and respect. We can and should commit our married lives to them, but putting such restrictions on our imaginations can be like trying to put a collar on a bumblebee.

Here’s where I come down on this fantasizing business: What goes on in the privacy of your brain is nobody’s business but your own. But I mean that literally: Never talk about your fantasies to anyone, particularly your beloved.

With that discretion in mind, fantasize to your heart’s content. Trust me, your mate is doing the same thing. Just know that fantasies are nothing more than the MSG sprinkled on a wonderful chicken lo mein--not the real food.

If you start wondering whether the object of your fantasy is worth getting to know a little better, he’s not! When you commit to a relationship, you have chosen the altar at which you promise to worship. Keep it sacred.

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Vicki Iovine is the harried author of the “Girlfriends’ Guide,” a columnist for Child magazine, and mother of four. Write to her at Girlfriends, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053; e-mail GrlfrndsVI@aol.com. Please include your name and phone number. Questions cannot be answered individually, and no telephone calls, please.