‘There Has Been . . . So Much Pain’

Here are excerpts from Monica S. Lewinsky’s account, in book and televised form, on her role in the impeachment scandal.

From “Monica’s Story,” written by Andrew Morton:

On the first time she caught the eye of the president:

“There was an intense flirtation, an intense chemistry between us, but I don’t think it was that much different to the other women he’s flirted with or seen or been attracted to. I think it was a combination of mutual attraction and the timing being right.”

On sexuality:

“I don’t see sexuality as being something to hide away in the dark or be ashamed of. I think our sexuality is something to be honored, cherished and valued. In part it is a difference in generations. I come from a generation whose mothers burned their bras and said, ‘Make love, not war.’ Yet ours is the same generation who have grown up with the fear of AIDS, where caution and protection are an integral part of our sex lives.”

On her first impressions of the president:

“I had only ever seen him on TV, and I never thought of him as attractive. . . . With his big red nose and coarse, wiry-looking gray hair, he’s an old guy. There were tons and tons of women in the White House with crushes on him, and I thought, ‘These people are just crazy. They have really bad taste in men. I mean, girls my own age were saying that this old guy was cute, that he was sexy. I thought, ‘Gee, this place is weird. What’s wrong with Washington?’ ”

On the first time Clinton put his arms around her (as they were in the inner office):

“I remember looking at him and seeing such a different person than the one I had expected to see. There was such a softness and tenderness about him; his eyes were very soul-searching, very wanting, very needing and very loving. There was, too, a sadness about him that I hadn’t expected to see.”

On her onetime friend Linda Tripp:

“I had been good to her as a person. She knew my weaknesses as a person, and I had trusted her absolutely. Yet she betrayed me for no other reason than malice and spite. I don’t know how she sleeps at nights or looks at herself in the mirror. She is just a disgusting, despicable, venomous and evil human being.”

From ABC-TV interview aired Wednesday:

On her first meeting with Kenneth W. Starr’s investigators:

“We were manic. I mean, we were so afraid that any minute we were going to be arrested.

“I was constantly thinking at that point, how am I going to protect the president. . . . Could I get in a taxi and go to Betty Currie’s house? Could I . . . call Bruce Lindsey, whom I had never met or spoken to . . . ?

“Could I go stand outside, where the . . . where he was going to do the deposition and hold a sign, ‘Don’t do it’?”

On her family:

“Behind the name Monica Lewinsky there’s a person and there is a family. And there has been . . . so much pain that has been caused by all this. And it is . . . it was so . . . destructive. It was so destructive.”

On the future:

“I know I never will have an affair with a married man again. I have to pray about that. But, clearly to me, what I’ve come to see is that that happened because I didn’t have enough feelings of self-worth.”

On Clinton:

“This may be hard for people to hear or accept, I’ve said it before, I thought he was my sexual soul mate. I think when you allow yourself to open up that way, things happen.

“I think he’s a very sensual man who has a lot of sensual feelings. And I think he also has a very strong religious upbringing. I think he struggles with his sensuality because I don’t think he thinks it’s OK. I think he tries to hold himself back. And then can’t anymore.”