Warning: SUVs Merging Ahead
SUV OD Bureau: The battle to create the ultimate sport-utility vehicle took a strange turn last week when Ford unveiled its new Excursion, a 4-ton monstrosity that seats nine and is bigger than the Chevy Suburban.
The behemoth Bronco cousin also comes with 10 cup holders, a gas tank as big as a VW Beetle, and five outlets for cell phones, laptop computers and other electronic gizmos.
Rival auto makers immediately vowed to retaliate. Here’s what they have on the drawing boards:
* The GMC Greyhound, a modified bus with 72 cup holders, separate smoking and nonsmoking sections and its own gravitational field. Seats 65.
* The Chrysler 727, a redesigned airplane with the wings removed. Features 15,000 cup holders, four restrooms, a movie screen and a year’s supply of peanuts. It gets -2 miles per gallon but tows its own gas station.
* The Chevy Mall. This super-sized SUV includes a factory-installed food court, video arcade and department store, as well as an escalator to get in and out of the cab. Also, you never have to worry about parking because it comes with its own lot.
Lecture of the Week: From a catalog of New Age workshops in Orange County: “Awakening the Dolphin Within.” In case you want to get in touch with your inner Flipper.
Dr. Chickenstein’s Monster: If we had to choose between faith in God or faith in science, we’d probably go with science because, hey, when was the last time God invented a four-legged chicken?
According to a report in the Ottawa Citizen, researchers at Harvard have used genetic engineering to create a barnyard bird with four legs, a possible first step in settling those perennial dinner-table fights over who gets a drumstick.
On the other hand, it might lead to “Mutant Chicken Soup for the Soul” books.
Quote of the Day: From the Paris Bar Assn. newsletter, as recounted in the San Francisco Chronicle:
“Our colleagues are reminded that the use of Rollerblades between the criminal chamber and the bar association offices is henceforth prohibited. . . . A recent accident, which occurred in front of the office of the bailiff of the 9th chamber, reminds us of the dangers of this practice, especially when still dressed in court robes.”
Future Scandal Bureau: The Hershey Co. issued a press release promising “unlimited hugs and kisses” for members of Congress during their retreat over the weekend at the Hershey Lodge & Convention Center.
We hope they meant candy.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Story: Are you fed up with Rorschach inkblots, Enneagrams, MMPIs and other personality tests? Then turn to the Weekly World News, which reveals that “The Way You Use the John Reveals Your Personality” and “The Kind of Women Your Husband Cheats With Reveals His Personality!”
Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Chicago Sun-Times, PR Newswire. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, although we might switch after reading a new study titled, “The Days Your Column Is Published Reveals Your Personality.”
