It Takes Two to Stop Tragedy of Date Rape

It has been eight years since a medical student garnered national attention for allegedly raping a woman whom he had met during a night of carousing with his famous uncle, Sen. Ted Kennedy. William Kennedy Smith’s trial and acquittal alerted the nation to the issue of date rape. Mike Tyson’s conviction confirmed that juries would not always blame the victim. On March 9, the Harvard faculty voted to dismiss an undergraduate student, D. Drew Douglas, for sexually assaulting a female friend while she slept, rejecting the lesser punishment of permitting Douglas to withdraw from the university. This case again raises the question as to how we can prevent such tragedies.

First, we have to admit there is a problem. Date rape sometimes raises difficult questions of proof: Where does consent begin and end? If a woman enters a man’s bedroom, has she consented to the sexual activity of his choosing?

Critics have asserted that the definition of date rape is a woman who changes her mind the next day. In “The Morning After,” Katie Roiphe questions the veracity of date rape survivors: “Regret can signify rape. A night that was a blur, a night you wish hadn’t happened can be rape.” Certainly, there are instances in which morning-after regrets lead to revised versions of the events. However, Roiphe and others do a great disservice by perpetuating the myth that women who know their rapists cannot be raped.

A woman who is sexually assaulted by a “friend” while she sleeps cannot be said to have consented to the conduct, nor is she responsible for the violence inflicted on her simply because she chose to spend the night with a “friend.” By pleading guilty to sexual assault, Douglas conceded that he acted without consent.

Those who discount rape by friends and acquaintances deny the experience of the majority of women who are raped--those who are raped by their husbands, boyfriends and ex-boyfriends. One study conducted by the U.S. Department of Justice found that as many as 70% of all victims were acquainted with their rapist.

During April, Sexual Violence Awareness Month, college and university students across the country will gather to increase sensitivity to the causes and effects of sexual violence. These efforts will focus, most often, on the advice we give our daughters and sisters: Follow your instincts when someone makes you feel uncomfortable; avoid excessive consumption of alcohol and use of drugs that impair your judgment; do not place yourself in situations in which you are alone with a man after a party or in a dorm, particularly if he is drinking or using drugs; assert yourself explicitly and loudly by voicing objections to unwelcome behavior; and, above all, do what you can to get away.

These prescriptions are, of course, sound advice and we should continue to sound these warnings. Still, these advisories tell only half the story, implying that women control the violent propensities of others and that sexual predators simply are misreading ambiguous signals. These warnings also have the effect of increasing alarmist notions that all men are potential rapists--your best friend, your lab partner, and your co-worker. By suggesting that women who place themselves alone with men will be raped, we wrongly discredit the men who engage only in consensual sexual activities.

That is why it is critical that educational and parental efforts also focus on teaching men to respect women’s rights. We must not wait until our children enter college to begin raising awareness. Young men need to be taught that going on a date with a woman does not entitle them to a sexual encounter. They must be warned not to persist in the face of a woman’s protest. Young men must be persuaded that while they naturally may desire any romantic interlude to conclude with sexual intercourse, women just as naturally--sometimes--want only “emotional intercourse, cuddling, and physical touch,” as Michael Gurian writes in “The Wonder of Boys.”

We must teach our sons and brothers not to mock “Take Back the Night” marches, but to take part in them. Young men must be given opportunities to discuss their sexual aggressiveness so they can learn to appreciate the need to respect a woman’s will. And they must be informed that women’s sexual desires sometimes are different from theirs.

D. Drew Douglas and his family undoubtedly spent countless hours on his academic preparation prior to his admission to Harvard. It is unfortunate for his victim that he failed to learn life’s most important lesson, respect for other people. Families, communities, and the nation must be dedicated to helping young men and women understand their natural desires, however much these may vary from person to person, and to appreciate the needs and rights of others. Until we do, we can be sure that sexual aggression too often will evolve into sexual violence.