All Bets Are On for the Next Quake

Shake, Rattle and Roll the Dice: When the next big earthquake hits, we want to be in Oregon. Not because it’s any safer, but because Oregon officials have their disaster priorities straight.

For example, a spokesperson for the Oregon State Lottery recently said: “Keeping the games going after a natural disaster such as an earthquake or flood is important because video poker and other games generate $1 million a day in profits.”

Exactly. That’s why we keep a flashlight next to our bed--so if disaster strikes, we can still read the numbers on our scratch-off tickets.

Here are some other earthquake preparedness tips we’ve gleaned from experts:

* Don’t dillydally. The first two hours after a quake are the best for looting.

* Check for broken gas lines and use an acetylene torch to make any needed repairs.

* Animals often sense temblors in advance. Watch out if you notice your cat storing dry food or phoning a travel agent about flights to Phoenix.

* Always serve white wine during a quake. Never red.

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H&R; Bawk: Good news from the IRS: Those last-minute animal sacrifices are now tax-deductible.

According to Cincinnati tax attorney Ed Lyon, author of “The 60 Minute Tax Planner,” it’s legal to write off the cost of sacrificial chickens and other animals as long as they’re part of a religious ceremony.

In a related story, KFC has changed its name to Kentucky Fried Church and started referring to its employees as “deacons.”

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But Still No Starbucks: How many times has this happened to you? You’re in Antarctica shooting photos of ice, but you can’t find a place to get your film developed.

Well, those days are over. The Wall Street Journal reports that Kodak Express is opening the South Pole’s first overnight processing shop.

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The Crash of ‘99: Daylight saving time begins April 4, which means you should set your clocks forward and buckle your seat belts. According to a study by San Jose State University psychology professor Robert A. Hicks, traffic accidents increase 4% in the week immediately following the time change.

In California alone, that means an extra 1,000 injuries and 20 deaths. The higher wreck rate is apparently caused by groggy drivers who haven’t adjusted to losing an hour of sleep.

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Bathroom Humor Department: South Carolina is considering a bill to outlaw the buying or selling of urine, according to press reports. Oh well, there goes our dream of opening a chain of 24-hour urine stores in Charleston.

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North America’s Imelda Marcos?: Celine Dion owns more than 500 pairs of shoes and 33 television sets, according to People magazine.

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Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Clown Killed With Cream Pie!” (Weekly World News)

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Off-Kilter’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: the Realist, Wireless Flash News Service, Arizona Republic, Luis Zaragoza, Libertarian Party. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we sell shoes and TVs to Celine Dion.