Signs of Grieving for a Dead Daughter

Dear Cynthia: A friend of mine lost his 28-year-old daughter two years ago in a traffic accident that could have been prevented. He has had recurring dreams in which he could see her, but her face was obscured. He could tell it was her by her hair, body type, clothes, etc. Last month, he had the same dream, except now he can see her face. This dream is tearing him up. Please help.

--D.M.

Northridge

Dear Reader: First, thank you for your thoughtful concern for your friend. Listening to a grieving parent is one of the most beautiful gifts of friendship one can give.

This dream sounds like torture for this grieving father. It is said that there is no loss greater than the loss of one’s child. The fact that the accident was preventable could make a father--who typically is the protector of his family--feel somehow responsible, or guilty of failure to protect, even though the “child” was an adult and he was nowhere near the accident. But since the dream has changed, and he now can see his daughter’s face, it would appear that he is moving through the grieving process. As he continues through this process, these dreams should become less frequent and begin to include more pleasant memories.

If he continues to experience feelings of guilt, he probably would benefit from writing a letter to his daughter expressing his emotions. Reading the letter at her grave site could be very healing, bringing some closure to these unresolved feelings. All healthy parents do the best they know how in raising their children. But no parent is prepared to prematurely lose the opportunity to communicate with his or her child.

Support from other parents who have lost children also can be helpful. It is hard for those who have not faced this type of loss to be supportive. Often they just don’t know what to say or may not even want to bring up the subject for fear of opening up painful wounds. A family physician or local hospital should be able to put your friend in touch with these supportive resources.

* Fax your dreams to Cynthia Richmond at (213) 237-0732, or e-mail them to in.your.dreams@worldnet.att.net. Please include your hometown and a daytime phone number. In Your Dreams appears every Tuesday and should be read for entertainment purposes only.

* Cynthia Richmond explains children’s dreams on our Kids’ Reading Room page every Wednesday.