A Prozac Infomercial? Now, That’s Depressing

I have seen 30-minute TV infomercials for Stairmasters and Thighmasters and Buttmasters and belts and treadmills and rowing machines and contraptions that looked as if they came out of the Marquis de Sade’s closet.

I have seen TV infomercials for skin products and hair products and eye products and vitamins and creams and nostrums that make you feel or look a whole lot better, even if the person selling it on the infomercial looks as pale and enervated as a thirsty vampire.

I have seen TV infomercials for how to make money, for how to make your money make more money, and for how to take your money and put it to work so that you can brag about how much money you make, just like the makers of this TV infomercial on how to make money.

I have seen TV infomercials where a fat athlete tells us how to cook a fat-free hamburger, where an actor who wears a fake hairpiece helps a woman with hair like Morticia Addams’ tell us how to have an attractive hairdo, where an exercise expert who could stand to lose a few pounds tells us his exclusive methods for losing a few pounds.

I have seen TV infomercials where a psychic stupefies a guest by telling her that she will soon travel someplace, work somewhere or meet somebody, to the amazement of a woman who apparently had no idea that she would ever again go anyplace, work anywhere or meet anybody.

I have seen TV infomercials for juicers and blenders and mops and vacuums and tool kits and steak knives and household helpers the likes of which I haven’t seen since Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton bought TV ad time to demonstrate how a can opener could also core an apple.

But now, I understand that we are about to see a TV infomercial like none we’ve ever seen.

One for new, improved Prozac.

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According to a story published a couple of days ago, Prozac--a drug available by prescription only that is taken to counteract depression--is going to be advertised in a half-hour TV spot, just like a couple of other popular stimulants: kick-boxing and country music.

Speaking only for myself, I get depressed just thinking about Prozac doing an infomercial. Therefore, I’ll probably be needing some Prozac.

I normally don’t take any drugs stronger than Tums and fast-actin’ Tinactin.

And I don’t generally approve of drugs being marketed on TV, even when it’s former presidential candidate Bob Dole reminding me that a little blue pill is all an old Republican needs to have a grand old party.

Yet I gather that pharmaceutical houses are taking advantage of laws making it simpler now to pitch FDA-approved goods on TV.

I suppose this means we can look forward someday to Sunday pro football telecasts that feature the “Prozac Kickoff” and the “Valium Halftime Report.”

Celebrities can help do the ads.

Mascots too.

A product like Prozac will sell a lot better if it can come up with a catchy character like the Budweiser frogs or the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

And it’ll need a slogan.

“Prozac--the quicker picker-upper.”

“It’s Prozac time!”

“A day without Prozac is like a day without sunshine.”

“I take Prozac . . . because I’m worth it!”

“Because sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.”

Why, I get anti-depressed just thinking about it.

I say we open with a bunch of people standing around looking gaunt and haunted. You know, like in a Calvin Klein ad.

Then our host moves in-- somebody who’s really good at looking and sounding depressed. Richard Lewis, maybe. Or a couple of those congressmen from the impeachment hearings.

Just throw in some sad George Jones music in the background; there won’t be a dry eye in the house.

Keep it dignified, though. It’s an antidepressant, not an antiperspirant.

After all, Prozac, your customers are already down in the dumps. You wouldn’t want your commercials to make them feel worse.

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I was surprised by one part, that Prozac’s infomercial, according to one news report, is “aimed mostly at women.”

A psychiatrist employed by the pharmaceutical company-- you could call her a pharmaceuto-intellectual--said the Prozac manufacturers believe women suffer from depression far more than men.

This should be obvious for two reasons:

One, women are depressed by men.

And, two, women are depressed in particular by men because they don’t watch the infomercials because they can’t get the TV remote away from them.

Just wait until this Prozac home shopping blitz hits, though.

Operators will be standing by 24 hours a day . . . and not a depressed one among them.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles CA 90053. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com