Gentlemen Prefer Long Tresses

Women look better with long hair.

This is not to say that women don’t look good with short hair. It’s just that no matter how good they look with short hair, they would look even better with long hair.

Granted, this is a guy thing.

But it is also something about which we are 100% correct.

If you doubt this, tune into TV’s “Felicity.” Last season, Felicity had this long, cascading crop of semi-tamed tresses. She was stunningly beautiful. This season, she has returned with a look that might best be described as wet wire terrier.

At the risk of understating the degree to which this has diminished her overall appearance, let me just say this: “Felicity” will be canceled.

And it will all be due to the do.

Which begs the larger question: Why do women with long hair become women with hairdos?

Surely, the motivation cannot be to attract the opposite sex because men, to a man, favor long hair.

Why men harbor such a preference is, like most things male, a bit murky. True, men find long hair sexy, but then, given the right lighting, men can be aroused by bunions. So it’s probably something else.

Underlying urges aside, however, there is no denying the depth of feeling men possess in regard to long locks. If men had their way, every woman would have hair like Crystal Gayle, Lady Godiva or Fabio.

Women are much more flexible. Generally, they seem to tend toward long hair when they are younger and then, as the years pass, clip at an ever-accelerating rate until they are a buzz cut away from “G.I. Jane.”

One of the reasons they do this is upkeep. Long hair is very labor-intensive. Managing a first-class mane is a lot like farming. You need to tend it from sunup to sundown. You need to water it and till it and treat it with chemicals. You need to constantly worry about it. And despite all your efforts, your work can be wiped out on a whim by the elements.

I think another reason women commit random acts of foli-cide is other women. Whenever a woman walks out of the salon with a new arrangement, other women will react positively regardless of how it really looks. The fact that the new coiffure may be the color of boiled lobster or cut short enough to reveal a skull the shape of a prehistoric egg does not matter. It will draw immediate praise.

Of course, deep down, women don’t always like the way another woman’s hair looks.

It has been my observation that if a woman likes another woman’s latest style, she will say she “loves” it.

If she really hates it, she will say it is “cute.”

This is far different from the typical male reaction, which is usually: “Did you lose weight or something?”