Facts for Survival in the New Century

The Too-Much-Information Age: Don’t look now but your brain may be dangerously close to full. As Americans get bombarded with more and more information, many are running out of room for such normally simple tasks as memorizing phone numbers, breathing and being able to answer the questions on ABC’s game show “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.”

Regis Philbin: Which city is the Empire State Building located in: (a) Scotland, (b) Jupiter, (c) Lake Michigan, (d) New York?

Contestant (after consulting with studio audience): None of the above. The Empire State Building is in the Grand Canyon, right next to Germany.

Philbin: Is that your final answer?

Some readers feel so overwhelmed by the glut of information that they’ve been asking us: “What are the essential things to know to survive in the next millennium? Also, where is the Empire State Building?”

So Off-Kilter consulted with scientists, theologians, historians and other experts to prepare a list of facts, all 100% true, that everyone will need to know in the 21st century. Keep this column with you at all times.

* There are 52 kinds of germs in the spit of a Komodo dragon.

* In Latin, the opening verse to the Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” (“It was 20 years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play”) would be: “Erat abhinc viginti annis hodie, Centurio Piper catervam canere docebat.”

* It would take 33,683 years for someone to vacuum the entire state of Ohio.

* According to “crunch guidelines” issued by Pickle Packers International, the sign of a good pickle is if it can be heard from at least 10 paces away when bitten into.

* 30,000 people once petitioned the government of Hawaii to change the name of Maui to Gilligan’s Island.

* Buzz Aldrin claims he was the first man to wet his pants on the moon.

* A snail’s pace has been calculated at .03 miles an hour (slower if it’s trying to vacuum Ohio). Also, snails are afraid of copper.

Sitting Pretty: Here’s a new kind of Y2K problem: price-gouging by baby-sitters on New Year’s Eve. According to child-care expert Judith Lederman, parents who want to go out on the last night of the millennium will be forced to pay sitters double the going rate (which normally ranges from $3.50 an hour for a 12-year-old to $15 an hour for an experienced 17-year-old) and might have to offer additional incentives such as catered meals, gift certificates and trips to a beauty salon.

Meanwhile, Pet Sitters International reports that some animal watchers have been booked since July and are charging up to $100 for the evening.

Good News for the Millennium: Britney Spears could lose her voice within 10 years because of the way she uses her vocal cords, according to two singing experts.

Quote of the Day: David Letterman, commenting on the New York Marathon: “I think it is the only race in the world where the starter’s pistol gets return fire.”

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Bloody Brawl Erupts Over Photos of Grandkids . . . After Each Granddad Said His Was the Cutest in the World!” (Weekly World News)

Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, “Do Fish Drink Water?” by Bill McLain (William Morrow), Chicago Sun-Times, Associated Press, Benjamin Joffe, Arizona Daily Star, Portland Oregonian, Baltimore Sun. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.