That Man of Mine

Have you ever felt an uncontrollable urge to call a man, but you knew deep down it was a bad thing to do?

Well, I’ve been there. And let me tell you it would have helped if I had New York psychotherapist Rhonda Findling’s new book, “Don’t Call That Man!” (Hyperion, 1999). She’s giving a talk in town today, but more on that later.

In her book, she recounts how she and some of her clients have had big, big trouble letting go of relationships with “handsome, charming, articulate” men who were nevertheless emotionally unavailable. Tell it, sisters!

Actually, my situation was a little different. My obsession centered on a “that man” who was fat, stupid, balding and not very articulate. But on the plus side, he was completely emotionally available. I guess we can’t always choose whom we obsess about.

I remember many lonely nights when I’d stare at the phone. (If only I had that symbol of a phone with a red slash mark through it as pictured on Findling’s book cover!) I wanted to call that man so badly, but I knew it was wrong.

Ultimately, temptation got the best of me and I called that man! It was like a fantasy come true. I dialed that man’s number.

That man said, “Hello?”

Then I said: “Is your refrigerator running?”

“Yes.”

“Well, maybe you could catch it if you weren’t so inarticulate. No, wait, I mean stupid!”

Then, I got scared and hung up, but my point was made. I was sky-high until the next morning when I arrived at work. Apparently, that man--my boss--had caller ID and I paid the price. That man summarily fired me.

I cursed how weak I was, but Findling’s book has since offered me hope and, more important, a program to stop me from ever calling that man or any of his friends again. She presents a 10-step (not 12, as is so overdone these days) plan to put the kibosh on calling that man!

All the steps are helpful and many make good sense to practice all the time--like the step that reminds us that “feelings and urges” don’t last forever. I like to think about that when I’m having a good time.

In addition to her top 10 list, Findling also supplies a list of 50 things to do instead of calling that man! The list includes: staying on the phone with friends all night, going to a Codependents Anonymous meeting, taking a long, hot bath and calling a therapist. (But not necessarily in that order!)

Those are all good suggestions, but there was one that floored me. I’m getting dewy-eyed as I type it. “Play with children and be open to their unconditional love.” I’d love to, but they so often run screaming at my approach.

The 10 steps and 50 suggestions, however, just treat the symptoms. For the cure, you have to think about your relationship with Mommy and Daddy. I tried to do this, but decided to take a long, hot bath instead.

Findling’s three-hour talk is slated for 6:30 tonight at the Wyndham Garden Hotel, 5990 Green Valley Circle, Culver City. The admission fee is $24 for members of the Learning Annex and $39 for nonmembers.

For more information, call the Learning Annex at (310) 478-6677, but don’t call that man!