Calendars Have Gone Y2K Buggy
Alarming Trends Bureau: We’re finally starting to panic about Y2K, but not because of computer meltdowns, UFO invasions or Nostradamus predictions for the end of the world. Our biggest fear is calendar selection. Here are some of the frightening choices to cross our desk:
* “Animal Buns 2000.” Sold by the San Diego Zoo, this calendar features flamingo fannies, rhino rumps, cheetah cheeks, duck derrieres, wart hog haunches and other animal posteriors (https://www.animal buns.bigstep.com).
* “Aged Beef: Men in Their Prime.” Fifteen Texas grandpas posed for this pinup calendar. Former Dallas Cowboy Bob Lilly is tastefully attired, but Mr. June (age 68) wears nothing but a skimpy red swimsuit, and Mr. April (age 64) lounges on a motorcycle while clad in leather pants and an open vest that reveals assorted tattoos and his bare gray chest (https://www.aged-beef.com).
* “The Old Farmer’s Almanac.” The pages in this “special millennium collector’s edition” are designed to work as toilet paper.
Popping the $64,000 Question: Everyone is trying to cash in on the success of ABC’s “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” Fox is now airing a rival show called “Greed,” and another program is in the works titled “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?” in which 50 women will compete for the hand of a rich bachelor.
We hope Regis Philbin presides over the matrimony show. Sample wedding vows:
Regis: Do you, Contestant, take Mr. Moneybags to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for richer or for really richer, till death do you part? Is your answer (a) “I do,” (b) “I Claudius,” (c) “I am the walrus” or (d) “I am I said, to no one there, and no one heard at all, not even the chair.”
Surf’s Not Up: Scientists say the world’s oceans are leaking and will be completely empty in a billion years, according to the Chicago Sun-Times.
See, this is what happens when someone tries to create the Earth in just six days. They end up cutting corners.
Best Movie Gadget of the Year: And the winner is . . . flame-throwing bagpipes in the new James Bond flick, “The World Is Not Enough.”
Doggy Depends: A fashion designer from Argentina has unveiled a line of disposable diapers for dogs. To view this “revolutionary” product, steer your computer to https://www.dog-diaper.com.
Lunatic Fringe Bureau: A New York psychic says the real reason office copy machines sometimes break down is excessive “negative psychic energy.” If a copier is used to duplicate negative subject matter--such as memos announcing layoffs--it absorbs the bad vibes and malfunctions, she claims.
Also, if nearby workers bicker or use bad language, it can “curse” the copier.
Terrorism in the ‘90s: Forget about camouflage fatigues and Army boots. Today’s terrorists are increasingly fashion-savvy, according to a report in the London Times. The PLO and IRA prefer Adidas, while the Kosovo Liberation Army liked Calvin Klein.
Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “Scientists Isolate Nose-Picking Gene!” (Weekly World News)
Apparently, people don’t choose this habit; they’re born with it.
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Unpaid Informants: Wireless Flash News Service, Baird Jones. E-mail Off-Kilter at roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
